2017“外研社杯”寫作大賽決賽記敘文佳作展示

1、2017“外研社杯”寫作大賽決賽記敘文佳作展示 之前小u為大家送上了2017外研社杯”寫作大賽記敘文最高分作文,不少u粉兒看完后直呼腦洞大開,看得好過(guò)癮.那么,其他選手的腦洞如何呢？同樣的開頭還能寫出怎樣精彩的故事？今天繼續(xù)圍觀記敘文作文嘍記敘文賽題read the beginning of the story below and complete it in 600-800 words.the alarm wakes him.linjumps to his feet. thursday, december 6, 2035, perhaps the most important day in

2、his life. after a series of online tests he has made it to the final stage: a face-to-face interview. he dresses himself quickly but carefully. he is well aware that he will face four competitors, two humans and twohumanoidrobots. he was not quite sure who were the humans during the online conversat

3、ions, though. well, he doesnt really mind working with a robot which has humanintelligenceand emotions as well as a human face and flesh; nor does he mind taking it as an equal.選手作品展示鄔可馨石河子大學(xué)2017“外研社杯”全國(guó)英語(yǔ)寫作大賽一等獎(jiǎng)lins friend, lee, is one of the competitors. they grew up together and surely he is the

4、one lin least expects to see. lee is not prepared to be eliminated, though. he has obtained a phd degree from a prestigious university. for the last two months, the hr manager has been inviting him toapply for this position. it seems pretty obvious that lee, this young and accomplished man, with a b

5、right future ahead of him, is definitely going to get the job, even though he will confront those so-called mighty robots.what is that again? human intelligence. he scrolls down thewebpageintroducingthe types of the two humanoid robots he is going to meet. i prefer this one. she was set to be more d

6、ocile. she might be a good friend, well, when i am in need.type c112345. lee tells the type of that female robot to phone.and what level of control would you like to access, sir? coming from the other end of the phone.well, lets make it the top level. he replies. after paying 1o,ooogrand for it, he

7、receives a link to an application called rb control. he opens the app, and laughs out insanely when the control options pop on the screen.with his head held so high and hair pressed so neatly, he enters the company gate. he turns off his phone, and starts glancing at people, until he finally sets hi

8、s eyes on a similar figure of a man.lin! my old friend! what a surprise! lee marches forward.lin, on the other hand, is not so pleased to see him. his body freezes when that very voice of lees comes from his back. dear lord, please, not that man. and as he is praying, he turns to the origin of the v

9、oice. well, here lee is, with that neatly pressed hair like cold stone and that oily warm smile.as lee is shaking his hands and hugging him from various angles, the hr manager approaches, calling the two guys inside and that is when lee is finally able to let go of lins fragile body. lee naturally s

10、its in the very middle of the room, while lin gets a seat beside lee, and the three other competitors enter. lee stares at the only lady. the lady is wearing a very decent black dress and looks absolutely smart. he instantly takes out the phone and starts to change elligence, down to 4

11、. eloquence, down to 3 as he murmurs, the brightness in the ladys eyes start to fade. she was talking to one of the men, but suddenly, she was stammering and speaking with a lot of grammar mistakes. i name is mary. i from near and i want get this job the lady startsintroducingherself, and apparently

12、, this introduction is not good enough.i am sorry, but are you sure your name is mary? as in , the mary whom i sent the interview offer to? the hr manager speaks with slight irritation, while he is flipping marys file.tear starts to fill the ladys eyes. she cannot explain what is going on with her b

13、rain.lin has witnessed everything about lee manipulating this lady. he pinches lees left hand and says, stop it right now, or i will report you i swear it!lee gives him a pat on his back , well, mate, you havent changed a bit. lin feels disgusted; he raises his hands and asks for permission to go to

14、 the toilet. lee as well, says he wants to go along. the second after they leave the room, lee stops lin and whispers, i want to show you something. shh, promise me you will not laugh out.before lin can refuse, of course he knows it is going to be about insulting the poor lady inside, lee starts to

15、make changes again. intelligence, down to 1. eloquence, down to 2. temperament, lets, make it, bad. again, that smileappear on his face. you know, lin, i wasnt going to get this far. i was going to make her just a little less excellent than me. but now that you are going to report me. i might as wel

16、l jeopardize everything. andthat is so fun, just look at her!the lady is speaking, but no one can understand. she is sweating and everyone inside seems reluctant to listen to her. and she starts yelling, screaming, stomping her feet like a crazy woman. in the end, she slams the door and runs away, a

17、s lee watching her and laughing.lin runs after her, calling out her name, mary! mary! and finally able to stop her from running any further. “i know that you are ahumanoidrobot. i just want to tell you the truth. my friend lee has been changing you statistics. and that is why you are acting all stra

18、nge inside. if you are willing, lets go back inside, and i will give you justice.i know. mary wiped away her tears and sweats.what? lin seems confused.it is just the way it is. it is our business. we act like being controlled, because that is what you human beings are obsessed with, isnt it?shesays

19、it so easily, and starts to adjust her collars and dress.no, i assure you not. no one is like lee, he is crazy, and i assure you no one is as crazy as him! lin tries to explain.thank you. i know you are not like him. you are one of the good ones. but, brother, i have made a lot of money doing this;

20、so, stay out of my business, will you?lin watches mary walk away with all her poise. and he is just not able to explain anything anymore.名師點(diǎn)評(píng)田朝霞老師南京師范大學(xué)外國(guó)語(yǔ)學(xué)院教授、英語(yǔ)語(yǔ)言文學(xué)專業(yè)文學(xué)博士.“外研社杯”全國(guó)英語(yǔ)寫作大賽參賽指南作者.2015、2016、2017“外研社杯”全國(guó)英語(yǔ)寫作、閱讀大賽決賽評(píng)委,2015年在“外研社杯”大學(xué)生英語(yǔ)挑戰(zhàn)賽總決賽閉幕式上擔(dān)任寫作大賽點(diǎn)評(píng)專家,2016、2017年擔(dān)任閱讀大賽點(diǎn)評(píng)專家.曾擔(dān)任“外研社杯”全國(guó)

21、英語(yǔ)演講大賽決賽評(píng)委、“外研社杯全國(guó)英語(yǔ)演講大賽”系列叢書點(diǎn)評(píng)專家.這篇故事續(xù)寫在近百篇作文中也是比較獨(dú)特,容易讓人記住的一篇.給人深刻印象的內(nèi)容至少有兩處:lee對(duì)人工智能的控制與玩弄；智能機(jī)器人的負(fù)面人性化,那種被腐蝕和墮落的傾向.下面從內(nèi)容、組織和語(yǔ)言三個(gè)維度看看這篇作文的優(yōu)點(diǎn)與不足.應(yīng)該說(shuō),這篇作文的亮點(diǎn)主要在其內(nèi)容方面.第一,故事的主旨較為明確.作者意在揭示,在高度發(fā)展的ai時(shí)代,ai仍然受人類的掌控,甚至玩弄；而被人性化的ai表現(xiàn)出被腐蝕,并甘于墮落的一面.這一主題通過(guò)畫面描寫和背景烘托來(lái)表現(xiàn).一方面,作者刻意描寫了智能機(jī)器人（以mary為例）的發(fā)展在20年后所達(dá)到的高度,其智力、

22、情感已與真正的人類接近,難辨真?zhèn)?；另一方?作者從反面刻畫智能機(jī)器的一切智能如何受控于人類,如lee如何調(diào)控mary的智力與情緒.第二,故事情節(jié)跌宕起伏,自然展開,人物鮮活.故事一開始對(duì)lee的登場(chǎng)做了處理,從與“我”摩擦的細(xì)節(jié)描寫,讀者對(duì)lee的人品產(chǎn)生質(zhì)疑.接著,智能機(jī)器人mary登場(chǎng),雖然各方面表現(xiàn)與人類無(wú)差,但很快在lee的操縱下,出盡洋相,這使得lin以及讀者對(duì)mary充滿了同情,對(duì)lee充滿厭惡.作者對(duì)于主要人物的性格描繪得較為充分:lin的善良與正義、lee的邪惡與玩世不恭,以及mary的可憐與可恨.第三,結(jié)尾出人意料.正當(dāng)lin希望為mary伸張正義之時(shí),mary卻表現(xiàn)出被腐蝕

23、并甘于墮落的狀態(tài).這一被人性化的智能機(jī)器人以其“人類的寫照”諷刺了人類社會(huì)的丑陋.故事結(jié)尾的出人意料可以圈紅,但是整個(gè)故事讀下來(lái)卻給人一種莫名的不舒服感,因?yàn)楣适碌淖髡邔?duì)于這種現(xiàn)狀的解釋和態(tài)度不夠明朗,甚至沒(méi)有能激發(fā)更深層次的思考.這樣的故事給我們?cè)鯓拥膯⑹竞徒ㄔO(shè)性的幫助呢？這一點(diǎn)筆墨明顯不夠.從組織方面看,這篇作文也處理得較為成功.1）對(duì)話和描寫較為成功地呈現(xiàn)了人物的性格；2）lee通過(guò)對(duì)intelligence、eloquence和temperament的調(diào)控來(lái)調(diào)控機(jī)器人,這個(gè)部分極富想象力；3）欲揚(yáng)先抑（先盡量凸顯lee的可惡以及mary的可憐）使用較為成功.故事的發(fā)展脈絡(luò)清晰,過(guò)渡較為自然.當(dāng)然,一些邏輯環(huán)節(jié)還不太清楚,例如,lee跟mary什么關(guān)系,憑什么能夠控制mary？為什么mary說(shuō)他們通過(guò)這種方式掙到很多錢？智能機(jī)器人以怎樣的方式存在于人類社會(huì)中？為什么智力水平可以調(diào)控到很低,而真實(shí)表現(xiàn)出來(lái)的情商（例如了解人情世故、懂得八面玲瓏）卻不能呢？這些較細(xì)的邏輯環(huán)節(jié)未能交代.這篇作文的語(yǔ)言并非亮點(diǎn).雖然語(yǔ)言能夠表達(dá)故事發(fā)展,對(duì)話也算流暢,也能夠刻畫和烘托人物性格,換言之,從句法和詞匯使用來(lái)看還可以.但是,從語(yǔ)言的規(guī)范與整潔角度,這篇作文不能稱為高水平的范本.這些細(xì)節(jié)方面的瑕疵幾乎遮掩了詞匯使用上的優(yōu)勢(shì).問(wèn)題表現(xiàn)在至少兩個(gè)方面.第一,拼寫（如1o,ooo等）、空格