英文幽默笑話

1、.1.貓和老鼠 Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top. Whats in your box? asked the friend. A cat, answered Mrs Brown. You see Ive been dreaming about mice at night and Im so scared! This cat is to catch them. But the mice are only imaginary, said th

2、e friend. So is the cat, whispered Mrs Brown. 布朗夫人去拜訪一位朋友，她拿著一個頂部扎滿了小眼兒的盒子。“盒子里裝的是什么？”朋友問道?！耙恢恍∝?，”布朗夫人回答說，“你知道我晚上睡覺總夢見老鼠，我非常害怕。這只貓可以抓住那些老鼠?！薄翱衫鲜蠖际羌傧氲难健！迸笥颜f?！靶∝堃彩羌傧氲??！辈祭史蛉诵÷曊f道。2.Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He

3、didnt have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, Mayday, mayday. A Coast Guard officer came on and said, State your location. I-75, two miles south

4、of Standish. After a very long pause, the officer asked, How fast were you going when you reached shore? 在休倫湖釣完魚后，我的一個朋友開車拖著他的船回家。路上車壞了。他沒帶手機(jī)，不過，他想，也許他可以通過海事無線廣播來請求公路援助。于是，他爬到他的船里面，啟動了無線裝置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸護(hù)衛(wèi)隊警官作出了回應(yīng)，“報告你的位置”?！癐-75號公路，Standish的南面兩英里”。沉默了好一會之后，警官問我的朋友，“你的船靠岸時開得有多快？” 3.The Mean Mans Par

5、ty吝嗇鬼的聚會The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot.Why use my elbow and foot?Well, gosh, was the reply, Youre not comin

6、g empty-handed, are you?一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了后，再用你的腳把門推開。”“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢？”“天哪！” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧？”4.Talking clock 會說話的鐘While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. What is the big brass gong and hammer for? o

7、ne of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. Hows it work? Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! Its two oclock in the morning! 一個學(xué)生帶他朋友們

8、參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意?！澳莻€大銅鑼和錘子是干什么用的？”他的一個朋友問他?！澳峭嬉鈨簠柡α?，那是一個會說話的鐘”，學(xué)生回答。“這鐘怎么工作的”，他的朋友問?！翱粗?，別眨眼了”，那學(xué)生走上前一把操起銅鑼和錘子，拼命地敲了一下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁墻那邊有人狂叫，“別敲了，你這白癡！現(xiàn)在是凌晨兩點鐘了！” 5.那就更糟了 Much Worse-Policeman: Why didnt you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? -Man: If I had opened my mouth, theyd have fo

9、und my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人搶你的手表時，你為什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會發(fā)現(xiàn)我的四顆金牙。那就更糟了。6.需要推一下嗎 Need a push?A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat- a-tat-tat on the door.He rolls over and looks at his clock, and its half past three in the morning. Im not getting out of

10、 bed at this time, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. Arent you going to answer that? says his wife.So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door and there is man standing there. It didnt take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.Hi there. slu

11、rs the stranger, Can you give me a push?No, get lost(走開!), its half past three. I was in bed. says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says Dave, that wasnt very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to p

12、ick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that mans house to get us started again? What would have happened if hed told us to get lost?But the guy was drunk. says the husband.It doesnt matter. says the wife. He needs our help, the right thing to do would be to help him.So the husb

13、and out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: Hey, do you still want a push? and he hears a voice cry out Yeah please.So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: Where are you?And the stranger replies:

14、 Im over here, on your swing(秋千).7.I know who God is !A boy says to her mother, Mom, is God a man or woman?The mom thinks a while and says, Well, son, God is both man and woman.The son is confused, so he asks, Is God black or white?The mother replies, God is both black and white, honey.The son, stil

15、l curious, says after a while, Is God gay or straight, mommy?The mother, getting a little worried, answers, Son, God is both gay andstraight.The son thinks about it, and his face lights up when he thinks he finally hasanswered his question: Is God Michael Jackson?兒子：媽媽，上帝是白人還是黑人？ 媽媽：寶貝，上帝是白人也是黑人！ 兒子

16、：那上帝是男人還是女人？ 媽媽：寶貝，上帝是男人也是女人！ 兒子：哦。我知道了，上帝是邁克爾杰克遜！8.Two Lines In HeavenEverybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.God comes and says I want the men to make two lines.One line for the men that dominated their women on earthand the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.Also, I want a

17、ll the women to go with St Peter.Said and done, and there are two lines. The line of the menthat were whipped was 100 miles long,and the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.God got mad and said. You men should be ashamed of yourselves.I created you in my image and you were all w

18、hipped by your mates.Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.Learn from him! Tell them, my son,how did you manage to be the only one on that line?The man said, I dont know, my wife told me to stand here. 世上的每一個人都上了天堂 神說 : 要男人分成兩隊 , 一是在世上控制女人的男人 ,另一是被女人鞭打的男人，另外女子自成一隊 , 跟著圣彼德去

19、. 隊伍列好后 , 一是被女人鞭打的 ,有 100 英里長 , 一是在世上控制女人的 ,僅有一人 . 神生氣的說 : 你們男人應(yīng)該感到羞恥 ,我按照自己的形象創(chuàng)造了你們 ,而你們被女子鞭打 . 看看 , 我唯一的兒子 ,站著使我驕傲 . 你們應(yīng)該向他學(xué)習(xí) .告訴他們 , 兒子 ,你如何成為唯一站在這一隊上的 ? 這男子回說 : 我不知道 , 我太太叫我站在這的 !9.Proof that Girls are evil證明女孩是魔鬼1: First we state that girls require money and timeGirls = Time x Money2: And we al

20、l know: time is moneyGirls = Money x Money = Money 23: And because money is the root of all evilMoney = Evil 0.5Therefore:Girls = (Evil 0.5) 24: And we are forced to conclude thatGirls = Evil See? I told you. :) -Whatever life brings you, bring it on!10.A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much

21、 does it cost to get married?The father replied: I don t know son. I m still paying!一個小男孩問他的爸爸，結(jié)婚要花多少錢？爸爸說：我不知道，因為我仍然在付帳。NOTE： pay這個詞不僅是付帳的意思，還有付出代價的意思，比如he must pay for what he did.他必須為他做的付出代價。11.Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter 偉大的獵手JonesieA small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its lea

22、ders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for

23、 the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? asked the chief. Forg

24、et the damn lion! he howled. Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?有個小村莊正為一只吃人的獅子而煩惱。于是，村長派人去請偉大的獵手Jonesie來殺死這只野獸。 獵手躺著等了幾個晚上，但獅子一直沒有出現(xiàn)。最后，他要求村長殺只羊然后把頭皮給他。把羊皮披在身上后，獵人到草原上去等獅子。 半夜，村民被從草原傳來的聲嘶力竭的尖叫聲驚醒。他們小心地靠近后，看到獵手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。沒有獅子出沒的蛛絲馬跡。 “Jonesie，怎么了？獅子在哪？”村長問。 “哪有獅子！”獵人怒吼道，“哪個傻瓜把公牛放出來了？”12.Aski

25、ng for a Raise要求加薪 At the radio station where I worked, the manager called me into his office to preview a new sound-effects package we were considering purchasing. He closed the door so we wouldnt bother people in the outer office. After listening to a few routine sound effects, we started playing

26、around with low moans, maniacal screams, hysterical laughter, pleading and gunshots. When I finally opened the door and passed the managers secretary, she looked up and inquired, Asking for a raise again?我在一家電臺工作。經(jīng)理把我叫進(jìn)他的辦公室，讓我預(yù)試一下我們準(zhǔn)備購買的一套新的音響效果設(shè)備。他關(guān)上門，以免打擾外面辦公室的人。 聽了幾個常規(guī)的音響效果后，我們開始試聽低聲的呻吟，狂亂的尖叫，歇斯

27、底里的大笑，哀求逺和槍聲。最后我開門出去，從經(jīng)理秘書旁邊經(jīng)過時，她抬起頭問道：“又要求加薪了？”13.Creative創(chuàng)造性 Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job

28、. I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.第一次求職時，我意識到在列舉我所具備的為數(shù)不多的條件時，得有點創(chuàng)造性。當(dāng)問及我是否受過其它的培訓(xùn)時，我老實地回答說我花了三年時間學(xué)計算機(jī)程序設(shè)計課。我得到了那份工作。 我沒有提到那門功課我重復(fù)學(xué)了三年才考及格。14.Did You Know Him? 你認(rèn)識他嗎？At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alm

29、a mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. I sure was! answered the host. Hes the biggest jerk Ive ever met. Did you know him too? Sort of, replied the guest. My mother married him last Saturday.在朋友家的一次宴會上，主人提起一位高中時的校友。一位客人問他讀書期間，某位副校長是否也在職。 “當(dāng)然了，”主人答道?！八俏乙娺^的最大的混蛋。你也認(rèn)識他嗎？” “有點認(rèn)識，”客人回答?！拔覌寢屔现芰藿o了他?！?5.How Much Is It? 多少錢？It was