EnglishJokes_英文小笑話.doc

1、What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.Maria: This is it.Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?Class: Maria did.A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car

2、 driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.Go on, said the Scot, have another drink.The Englishman drank gratefully. But dont you want one, too? he asked the Scotsman. Perh

3、aps, replied the Scotsman, after the police have gone.A: Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.Officer: You were speeding.Man: No, I wasnt.Officer: Yes

4、, you were. Im giving you a ticket.Man: But I wasnt speeding.Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?Officer: Yes, you would.Man: What if I just thought that you were?Officer: I cant give you a ticket for what you thi

5、nk.Man: Fine, I think youre a jerk!What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).TelegramTelephoneTell a womanPerhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.EDITORS NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase politically correct

6、 and discuss it.If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.If you give a man a fire, hes warm for a day.If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephants milk and gained twenty pounds in a w

7、eek.B: Thats impossible. Whose baby?A: An elephants.Am I the first man you have ever loved? he said.Of course, she answered Why do men always ask the same question?.When I was young I didnt like going to weddings.My grandmother would tell me, Youre nextHowever, she stopped doing that after I started

8、 saying the same thing to her at funerals.A: Im in a big trouble!B: Why is that?A: I saw a mouse in my house!B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.A: I dont have one.B: Well then, buy one.A: Cant afford one.B: I can give you mine if you want.A: That sounds good.B: All you need to do is just

9、use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.A: I dont have any cheese.B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.A: I dont have oil.B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.A: I dont have bread.B: Then what is the mouse doing at your ho

10、use?!A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.He looks up in the sky and says, Is that the sun or the moon?The other drunk man answers, I dont know. Im a stranger here myself.A man is talking to God.The man: God, how long is a million years?God: To me, its about a minute

11、.The man: God, how much is a million dollars?God: To me its a penny.The man: God, may I have a penny?God: Wait a minute.Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.One day a friend asked, Why arent you married? Cant you find a woman who will be a good wife?Fred replied, Actually, Ive found many wome

12、n I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesnt like them.His friend thinks for a moment and says, Ive got the perfect solution, just find a girl whos just like your mother. A few months later they meet again and his friend says, Did you find the perfect girl? Di

13、d your mother like her?With a frown on his face, Fred answers, Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.The friend said, Then whats the problem?Fred replied, My father doesnt like her.An elementary school teacher sends this note to all

14、 parents on the first day of school.If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?B: Yes, of course.A: Great! I never could before!Wh

15、y couldnt Cinderella be a good soccer player?She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an I.Student: I is the.Teacher: St

16、op! Never put is after an I. Always put am after an I.Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.Two factory workers are talking.The woman says, I can make the boss give me the day off.The man replies, And how would you do that?The woman says, Just wait and see. She then hangs upside-down fr

17、om the ceiling.The boss comes in and says, What are you doing?The woman replies, Im a light bulb.The boss then says, Youve been working so much that youve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.The man starts to follow her and the boss says, Where are you going?The man says, Im going home,

18、 too. I cant work in the dark.Two cows are standing in a field.One says to the other Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?The other one says No, It doesnt worry me, Im a horse!Teacher: How can we get some clean water?Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.A guy says to his friend, Gues

19、s how many coins I have in my pocket.The friends says, If I guess right, will you give me one of them?The first guys says, If you guess right, Ill give you both of them!This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?B: No idea. (No Eye De

20、er.)A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?B: Still no idea.A: Meet my new born brother.B: Oh, he is so handsome! Whats his name?A: I dont know. I cant understand a word he says.Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L

21、)Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?A: An envelope.Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?A: Wet.Q: What do you call a boomerang that wont come back?A: A stick.Q: Where do you find giant snails?A: On the ends of their fingers. (Giants nails.)Q: What

22、travels around the world and stays in a corner?A: A stamp.Q: What is white when its dirty and black when its clean?A: A blackboard.These need to be written.Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?A: A piiig.Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?A: Santa Claus walking backwards.Q: What do elephants have that no

23、other animal has?A: Baby elephants.Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.Q: What do you call a hippies wife?A: Mississippi.Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?A: Nothing, it just waved!Submitted by: Eric SteinThe First 3 Years of MarriageIn the first year of marriage, the man

24、speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. The next day he received a hundred letters. They allsaid the same thing: You can have mine.Love is

25、one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.Riddles of AlphabetQ: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?A: B. (bee)Q: What letter is a part of the head?A: I. (eye)Q: What letter is a drink?A: T. (tea)Q: What letter is a body of water?A: C. (sea)Q: What letter is a pronoun like you?A: Th

26、e letter I Q: What letter is a vegetable?A: P. (pea)Q: What letter is an exclamation?A: O. (oh!)Q: What letter is a European bird?A: J. (Jay)Q: What letter is looking for causes ?A: Y. (why)Q: What four letters frighten a thief?A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a mo

27、ment but not once in a thousand years?A: The letter m.Q: Why is the letter T like an island ?A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.Q: In what way can the letter A help a deaf lady?A: It can make her hear.Q: Which is the loudest vowel?A: The letter I. It is always in the midst of noiseQ: What way a

28、re the letter A and noon alike?A: Both of them are in the middle of the day.Q: Why is U the happiest letter?A: Because it is in the middle of fun.Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?A: Alphabet = (26 letters)Q: What relatives are dependent on you?A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all

29、 need U.Q: What is the end of everything?A: The letter g.Q: What has many keys but cant open any doors?A: A piano.Q: What has 6 eyes but cant see?A: 3 blind mice.Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?A: A taxi driver.The teacher speaking to a student said, Saud, name two pronouns.Saud who suddenly woke up, said, Who, me?Teacher: Today, were going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say I am