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Screwyou,smallmood【TED】滾蛋吧小情緒Lecturer:GuyWinchIgrewupwithmyidenticaltwin.我和我的雙胞胎哥哥一起長大。whowasanincrediblylovingbrother.他是個富有愛心的好兄弟。Now,onethingaboutbeingatwinisthatitmakesyouanexpertatspottingfavoritism.要知道,作為雙胞胎,你很快就在意見事上成為專家。就是注意到偏愛。Ifhiscookiewasevenslightlybiggerthanmycookie,Ihadquestions.比如他的餅干比我的大哪怕一點點,我就會質(zhì)疑。Andclearly,Iwasn'tstarving.當(dāng)然,我也沒有被餓著。WhenIbecameapsychologist,Ibegantonoticefavoritismofdifferentkind,我成為一個心理學(xué)家,我開始注意到另一種不同的偏愛,andthatishowmuchmorewevaluethebodythanwedothemind.當(dāng)那就是我們賦予我們的身體比精神更多的價值。Ispentnineyearsatuniversityearningmydoctorateinpsychology,andIcan'ttellyouhowmanypeoplelookatmybusinesscardandsay,”O(jiān)h,apsychologist,Sonotarealdoctor,”asifitshouldsaythatonmycard.我花了九年時間獲得了心理學(xué)博士學(xué)位,但不知道有多少人看了我的名片說:“哦,心理學(xué)家,原來不是真正的醫(yī)生?!盩hisfavoritismweshowthebodyoverthemind,Iseeiteverywhere.這種對身體多于精神的偏愛隨處可見。Irecentlywasatafriend'shouse,andtheirfive-year-oldwasgettingreadyforbed.我最近在朋友家,他們五歲的小孩準(zhǔn)備上床睡覺Hewasstandingonastoolbythesinkbrushinghisteeth,whenheslipped,andscratchedhislegonthestoolwhenhefell.他站在小凳子上,在水池邊刷牙,然后他滑了下來,摔倒的時候劃了他的腿。Hecriedforaminute,butthenhegotbackup,gotbackonthestool,andreachedoutforaboxofBand-Aidstoputoneonhiscut.他哭了一下然后就爬起來,站回小凳子上,拿了一個創(chuàng)可貼貼在他的傷口上,Now,thiskidcouldbarelytiehisshoelaces,butheknewyouhavetocoveracut,soitdoesn'tbecomeinfected,andyouhavetocareforyourteethbybrushingtwiceaday.這孩子剛學(xué)會系鞋帶,但他都知道要保護(hù)傷口以免感染,同時還要一天刷兩次牙來保護(hù)牙齒。Weallknowhowtomaintainourphysicalhealthandhowtopracticedentalhygiene,right?我們不是在一起上的學(xué)。Infact,thehardestthingI'veeverdoneinmylifeismoveacrosstheAtlantictoNewYorkCitytogetmydoctorateinpsychology.事實上,我這輩子做過最難的事就是跨過大西洋搬到紐約,來讀心理學(xué)的博士學(xué)位。Wewereapartthenforthefirsttimeinourlives,那是我們倆第一次分割兩地。andtheseparationwasbrutalforbothofus.這個分離對我倆來說都很殘酷。Butwhileheremainedamongfamilyandfriends,Iwasaloneinanewcountry.當(dāng)他和家人朋友在一起時,我卻孤零零的在一個新的國度。Wemissedeachotherterribly我們都很想念對方butinternationalphonecallswerereallyexpensivethenandwecouldonlyaffordtospeakforfiveminutesaweek.,但那個時候的國際長途真的非常貴,我們一周只打得起五分鐘的電話。Whenourbirthdayrolledaround,itwasthefirstwewouldn'tbespendingtogether.當(dāng)我們的生日到來的時候,那是第一個我們沒能在一起過的生日。Wedecidetosplurge,andthatweekwewouldtalkfor10minutes.我們決定奢侈一下,我們聊上了十分鐘。Ispentthemorningpacingaroundmyroom,waitingforhimtocall—andwaitingandwaiting,butthephonedidn'tring.那天早上我在房間里跺來踱去,等著我哥哥給我打來電話,我等啊等但是電話就是不響。Giventhetimedifference,Iassumed,”O(jiān)k,he'soutwithfriends,hewillcalllater.”由于時差的關(guān)系,我就想,好吧,他是和朋友一起出去了,他晚點會打來的。Therewerenocellphonesthen.那時候也沒有手機(jī)。Buthedidn't.但他始終沒有打來。AndIbegantorealizethatafterbeingawayforever10months,henolongermissedmethewayImissedhim.我開始意識到,在我離開十個月后,他不再像我想他一樣想我了。Iknewhewouldcallinthemorning,butthatnightwasoneofthesaddestandlongestnightsofmylife.我知道他早上會打來,但那一晚是我人生中最傷心最漫長的一晚。Iwokeupthenextmorning,第二天一早醒來Iglanceddownatthephone,andIrealizeIhadkickeditoffthehookwhenpacinghedaybefore.我瞅了一眼電話,然后我意識到在我來回踱步的時候,我把電話線踢掉了。Istumbledoutoffthebed,我從床上跳了起來。Iputthephonebackonthereceiver,anditrangasecondlater,anditwasmybrother,我剛把電話插回接口一秒鐘,電話就響了。andboy,washepissed.是我哥哥,他可氣壞了。Itwasthesaddestandlongestnightofhislifeaswell.那也是他一生中最傷心漫長的一晚。NowItriedtoexplainwhathappened,buthesaid,”Idon'tunderstand,ifyousawIwasn'tcallingyou,whydidn'tyoujustpickupthephoneandcallme?“我試圖解釋,但他說,“我不明白,如果我沒有打給你,為什么你不打給我呢?”Hewasright,whydidn'tIcallhim?他說的對,我為什么不打給他呢?Ididn'thaveananswerthen,butIdotoday,andit'sasimpleone,loneliness.我當(dāng)時沒有回答他,但我現(xiàn)在明白了。非常簡單的原因:孤獨。Lonelinesscreatesadeeppsychologicalwound,onethatdistortsourperceptionsandscramblesourthinking.孤獨導(dǎo)致深重的心理創(chuàng)傷,扭曲我們的感知能力,剝奪我們的思考能力。Itmakesusbelievethatthosearounduscaremuchlessthantheyactuallydo.它使我們相信身邊的人不再在乎我們,Itmakesusreallyafraidtoreachout,它使我們不敢與人聯(lián)絡(luò),becausewhysetyourselfupforrejectionandheartachewhenyourheartisalreadyachingmorethanyoucanstand?為什么給自己自取其辱呢,你的心痛還不夠多嗎?Iwasinthegripsofreallonelinessbackthen.我那個時候被孤獨緊緊包圍著butIwassurroundedbypeopleallday,soitneveroccurredtome.但我總和別人在一起我自己都沒有意識到。Butlonelinessisdefinedpurelysubjectively.但孤獨完全是從主觀上定義的。Itdependssolelyonwhetheryoufeelemotionallyorsociallydisconnectedfromthosearoundyou.它完全取決于你是否覺得在情緒上或者是交往上和你周圍的人相隔絕。AndIdid.我當(dāng)時是這樣的。Thereisalotofresearchonloneliness,andallofitishorrifying.我們有很多孤獨的研究都很可怕。Lonelinesswon'tjustmakeyoumiserable,itwillkillyou.I'mnotkidding.孤獨不僅讓你覺得凄慘,還可能致死。我可不是開玩笑。Chroniclonelinessincreasesyourlikelyhoodofanearlydeathby14percent.長期的孤獨會讓你增加早逝的可能性高達(dá)百分之十四之多。Lonelinesscauseshighbloodpressure,highcholesterol.孤獨可能導(dǎo)致高血壓高膽固醇。Itevensuppressthefunctioningofyourimmunesystem,makingyouvulnerabletoallkindsofillnessesanddiseases.它甚至?xí)绊懩愕拿庖呦到y(tǒng),使你容易患上各種疾病。Infact,scientistshaveconcludedthattakentogether,事實上,科學(xué)家已經(jīng)得出結(jié)論,Chroniclonelinessposesassignificantariskforyourlongtermhealthlongevityascigarettesmoking.長期的孤獨對你的健康和長壽的負(fù)面影響比抽煙還要糟。Nowcigarettepackscomewithwarningssaying,”Thiscouldkillyou.”香煙的包裝上還有“吸煙致命”的警句。Butlonelinessdoesn't.可孤獨沒有。Andthat'swhyit'ssoimportantthatweprioritizeourpsychologicalhealth,thatwepracticeemotionalhygiene.這就是我們?yōu)槭裁匆匾曅睦斫】?,要注意保持情緒健康。Becauseyoucan'ttreatapsychologicalwound因為,你無法治愈心理上的創(chuàng)傷.ifyoudon'tevenknowyou'reinjured.如果你都不知道自己受到了傷害的話。Lonelinessisn'ttheonlypsychologicalwoundthatdistortsourperceptionsandmisleadsus.孤獨不是唯一,可能扭曲及誤導(dǎo)我們的心理創(chuàng)傷。Failuredoesthataswell.失敗也有同樣效果。Ioncevisitedadaycarecenter,whereIsawthreetoddlersplaywithidenticalplastictoys.我曾訪問過一個幼兒園,在那兒我觀察了三個兒童,在玩完全一樣的塑料玩具。Youhadtoslidetheredbutton,andacutedoggierwouldpopout.你得把一個紅色的鈕滑開,然后一個可愛的小狗就會跳出來。Onelittlegirltriedpullingthepurplebutton,thenpushingit,andthenshejustsatbackandlookedatthebox,withherlowerliptrembling.一個小女孩對紫色的鈕又拉又按,然后她就坐下來,瞧著那盒子,下嘴唇開始發(fā)顫。Thelittleboynexttoherwatchedthishappen,thenturnedtohisboxandburstintotearswithouteventouchingit.她旁邊的一個小男孩看到這一幕,再看看他的盒子,都沒動手就哇哇大哭了。Meanwhile,anotherlittlegirltriedeverythingshecouldthinkofuntilsheslidtheredbutton,thecutedoggierpoppedout,andshesquealedwithdelight.與此同時,另一個小女孩試了各種方法直到她滑動了那個紅鈕,可愛的小狗跳了出來,她開心的叫了起來。Sothreetoddlerswithidenticalplastictoys,butwithverydifferentreactionstofailure.同樣的塑料玩具給了這三個幼兒,但他們對失敗的反應(yīng)截然不同。Thefirsttwotoddlerswereperfectlycapableofslidingaredbutton.前兩個小孩完全有能力滑動那個紅鈕。Theonlythingthatpreventedthemfromsucceedingwasthattheirmindtrickedthemintobelievingtheycouldnot.唯一阻止他們成功的因素就是他們被自己做不成的想法給騙了。Now,adultsgettrickedthiswayaswell,allthetime.成年人也經(jīng)常中這樣的圈套。Infact,weallhaveadefaultsetoffeelingsandbeliefsthatgetstriggeredwheneverweencounterfrustrationsandsetbacks.事實上,我們都有一個固定的思維感知模式,每當(dāng)我們感到沮喪,受到挫折,我們便會進(jìn)入這個模式。Areyouawareofhowyourmindreactstofailure?Youneedtobe.你清不清楚你是怎么對應(yīng)失敗的?你應(yīng)該清楚。Becauseifyourmindtriestoconvinceyouyou'reincapableofsomethingandyoubelieveit,thenlikethosetwotoddlers,you'llbegintofeelhelplessandyou'llstoptryingtoosoon,oryouwon'teventryatall.因為如果你的頭腦告訴你你不能做成什么事而你相信了的話,你就會像那前兩個小孩似的,開始感到無助然后你就很快放棄了,甚至都不去試一下。Andthenyou'llbeevenmoreconvincedyoucan'tsucceed.然后你就更加確信你成功不了。Yousee,that'swhysomanypeoplefunctionbelowtheiractualpotential.你看,這就是為什么那么多人都無法充分發(fā)揮他們的潛能。Becausesomewherealongtheway,sometimesasinglefailureconvincedthemthattheycouldn'tsucceed,andtheybelievedit.因為不一定在什么地方,有那么一次失敗,讓他們認(rèn)定了自己不能成功。Oncewebecomeconvincedofsomething,it'sverydifficulttochangeourmind.我們一旦被某件事說服,往往就很難改變主意。IlearnedthatlessonthehardwaywhenIwasateenagerwithmybrother.我十幾歲的時候,和我哥哥一起,吃了點苦頭才明白這道理。Weweredrivingwithfriendsdownadarkroadatnight,whenapolicecarstoppedus.有一天晚上,我倆和朋友們在一條很黑的路上開著車一輛警車把我們攔下了。Therehadbeenarobberyintheareaandtheywerelookingforsuspects.附近發(fā)生了搶劫,警察在追蹤嫌犯。Theofficerapproachedthecar,andheshinedhisflashlightonthedriver,thenonmybrotherinthefrontseat,andthenonme.警察走到車邊,對司機(jī)晃了晃手電筒,又照了照坐在副駕駛的我哥哥,然后照到了我。Andhiseyesopenedwideandhesaid,”wherehaveIseenyourfacebefore?”AndIsaid,”Inthefrontseat.”他瞪大了眼睛說得,“我在哪兒見過你?”我說,“副駕駛座上?!盉utthatmadenosensetohimwhatsoever.但對他來說,我的回答莫名奇妙。SonowhethoughtIwasondrugs.所以他認(rèn)為我磕了藥。Sohedragsmeoutofthecar,hesearchesme,hemarchesmeovertothepolicecar,andonlywhenheverifiedIdidn'thaveapolicerecord,couldIshowhimIhadatwininthefrontseat.于是他把我拖出車子,有搜了我的身,他把我押到警車那兒,直到他驗證了我并沒有犯罪記錄,我才有機(jī)會解釋我和副駕駛座位上的是雙胞胎。Butevenasweweredrivingaway,youcouldseebythelookonhisfacehewasconvincedthatIwasgettingawaywithsomething.但是直到我們開走了,你仍可以看到他的表情他認(rèn)定了我一定干了什么壞事。Ourmindishardtochangeoncewebecomeconvinced.一旦我們認(rèn)定了的事情,我們很難改變看法。Soitmightbeverynaturaltofeeldemoralizedanddefeatedafteryoufail.所以當(dāng)你失敗了,感覺士氣低落是很自然的。(Demoralize,美[d?'m?r?la?z]vt.使道德敗壞;使墮落;使士氣低落)Butyoucannotallowyourselftobecomeconvincedyoucan'tsucceed.但是你不能允許自己相信你不可能成功。Youhavetofightfeelingsofhelplessness.你要和那種無助的感覺斗爭。Youhavetogaincontroloverthesituation.你要重新控制局面。Andyouhavetobreakthiskindofnegativecyclebeforeitbegins.而且你必須在這種負(fù)能量循環(huán)開始前打破它。Ourmindsandourfeelings,they'renotthetrustworthyfriendswethoughttheywere.我們的想法和感覺它們不是像我們想象的那么忠誠的朋友。(Trustworthy,美['tr?stw?ei]adj.可靠的;可信賴的)Theyaremorelikeareallymoodyfriend,whocanbetotallysupportiveoneminute,andreallyunpleasantthenext.它們更像是一個非常情緒化的朋友,有時非常支持你,而有時令人不愉快。Ionceworkedwiththiswomanwhoafter20yearsmarriageandanextremelyuglydivorce,wasfinallyreadyforherfirstdate.我以前的一個女同事她結(jié)婚20年之后離婚,婚離的很慘烈,然后她終于準(zhǔn)備好開始新的約會了。Shehadmetthisguyonline,andheseemedniceandheseemedsuccessful,andmostimportantly,heseemedreallyintoher.她在網(wǎng)上認(rèn)識了這個男的,他看上去人很好,也很成功,最重要的是,他似乎對她非常感興趣。Soshewasveryexcited,sheboughtanewdress,andtheymetatanupscaleNewYorkCitybarforadrink.她非常興奮,還為約會買了新裙子,然后他們約在紐約的一個高級酒吧里喝一杯。Tenminutesintothedate,themanstandsupandsays,”I'mnotinterested,”andwalksout.約會才進(jìn)行了十分鐘,那位男士站起來說,“我沒有興趣,”然后就走了。Rejectionisextremelypainful.被拒絕是極其痛苦的。Thewomanwassohurtshecouldn'tmove.這位女士非常受傷,以致于都走不動了。Allshecoulddowascallafriend.于是她給一個朋友打電話。Here'swhatthefriendsaid:”Well,whatdoyouexpect?她朋友是這樣說的:“那你還想怎樣?Youhavebighips,youhavenothinginterestingtosay,whycouldahandsome,successfulmanlikethatevergooutwithaloserlikeyou?”你又胖有沒有什么好聊的,為什么任何一個英俊的成功男士,會和你這樣的失敗者約會呢?Shocking,right,thatafriendcouldbesocruel?”太不像話了,是不是,朋友怎么可以這樣冷酷無情?ButitwouldbemuchlessshockingifItoldyouitwasn'tthefriendwhosaidthat.這或許聽上去不太過分,要是我告訴你這話不是朋友說的。It'swhatthewomansaidtoherself.這其實是那位女士對她自己說的。Andthat'ssomethingwealldo,especiallyafterarejection.我們都干過這事兒,尤其是被拒絕之后。Weallstartthinkingofallourfaultsandallourshortcomings,whatwewishwewere,whatwewishweweren't,wecallourselvesnames.我們開始去想我們犯的錯,我們的缺點,我們要是這樣就好了,我們要是不那樣就好了,我們給自己起外號。Maybenotasharshly,butwealldoit.也許程度不同,但我們都干過這事。Andit'sinterestingthatwedo,becauseourself-esteemisalreadyhurting.我們?yōu)槭裁磿@樣做,我們的自尊已經(jīng)被傷害了。Whywouldwewanttogoanddamageitevenfurther?為什么我們要進(jìn)一步傷害它呢?Wewouldn'tmakeaphysicalinjuryworseonpurpose.要是身體受傷了,我們不會故意去把它弄得更糟。Youwouldn'tgetacutonyourarmanddecide,”O(jiān)h,Iknow!I'mgoingtotakeaknifeandseehowmuchdeeperIcanmakeit.”你要是胳膊上有個傷口,你不會說,“啊,我知道!我要拿刀看我到底能捅多深?!盉utwedothatwithpsychologicalinjuriesallthetime.但是我們經(jīng)常如此對待心理傷害。Why?Becauseofpooremotionalhygiene.為什么?由于糟糕的心理保健意識。Becausewedon'tprioritizeourpsychologicalhealth.因為我們不重視心理健康。Weknowfromdozensofstudiesthatwhenyourself-esteemislower,youaremorevulnerabletostressandtoanxiety,thatfailuresandrejectionshurtmoreandittakeslongertorecoverfromthem.很多研究表明,如果你的自尊心低落,你就很容易感到壓力和焦慮,失敗和拒絕會傷害你更深,你也需要更多的時間復(fù)原。Sowhenyougetrejected,thefirstthingyoushouldbedoingistoreviveyourself-esteem,notjoinFightClubandbeatitintoapulp.所以如果你被拒絕了,首要的事情是應(yīng)該重新激活你的自尊心,而不是去拳擊俱樂部打拳來發(fā)泄。Whenyou'reinemotionalpain,treatyourselfwiththesamecompassionyouwouldexpectfromatrulygoodfriend.當(dāng)你經(jīng)歷感情上痛苦,像一個真正的好朋友那樣同情你自己。Wehavetocatchourunhealthypsychologicalhabitsandchangethem.我們需要改變不健康的心理習(xí)慣。Oneofunhealthiestandmostcommoniscalledrumination.最常見有最不健康的習(xí)慣之一就是窮思竭慮。Toruminatemeanstochewover.就是事后反復(fù)咀嚼回味一件事。It'swhenyourbossyellsatyou,oryourprofessormakesyoufeelstupidinclass,oryouhavebigfightwithafriendandyoujustcan'tstopreplayingthesceneinyourheadfordays,sometimesforweeksonend.比如你的老板沖你發(fā)脾氣,或是教授在課上讓你感到愚蠢,或是你和好朋友吵架了,然后你不斷的在腦海里回放當(dāng)時的情況,好幾天甚至好幾個禮拜都不停。Ruminatingaboutupsettingeventsinthiswaycaneasilybecomeahabit,andit'saverycostlyone.反復(fù)回味不愉快的事很容易變成習(xí)慣而這個習(xí)慣代價很大。Becausebyspendingsomuchtimefocusedonupsettingandnegativethoughts,youareactuallyputtingyourselfatsignificantrisk,fordevelopingclinicaldepression,alcoholism,eatingdisorders,andevencardiovasculardisease.因為當(dāng)你在不愉快和負(fù)面的事情上花這么多時間,你把自己放在一個非常危險的境地,可能誘發(fā)抑郁,酗酒,飲食失調(diào)甚至心血管疾病。Theproblemistheurgetoruminatecanfeelreallystrongandreallyimportant,soit'sadifficulthabittostop.問題在于那種反復(fù)回味的需要變得非常強(qiáng)烈,非常緊迫,所以這種習(xí)慣會很難打破。Iknowthisforafact,becausealittleoveryearago,Idevelopedthehabitmyself.我知道事實如此,因為就在一年多以前,我自己就經(jīng)歷了這個習(xí)慣。Yousee,mytwinbrotherwasdiagnosedwithstageIIInon-Hodgkin'slymphoma.我的雙胞胎哥哥被確診為三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。Hiscancerwasextremelyaggressive.他的癌癥來勢洶洶。Hehadvisibletumorsalloverhisbody.全身都有看到的腫瘤。Andhehadtostart,andIcouldn'tstopthinkingaboutwhathewasgoingthrough.他要做一輪大劑量的化療,我情不自禁去想他所經(jīng)歷的這一切。Icouldn'tstopthinkingabouthowmuchhewassuffering,eventhoughhenevercomplained,notonce.情不自禁去想他受的這些罪,盡情他從抱怨過,一次都沒有。Hehadhisincrediblypositiveattitude.他有著這種不可思議的積極態(tài)度。Hispsychologicalhealthwasamazing.他的心理健康程度太了不起了。Iwasphysicallyhealthy,butpsychologicallyIwasmess.我身體上很健康,但心理上我那時是一團(tuán)糟。ButIknewwhattodo.但我知道該怎么做。Studiestellusthatevenatwo-minutedistractionissufficienttobreaktheurgetoruminateinthatmoment.研究表明,哪怕只是分心短短兩分鐘都足以打破那一刻你窮思竭慮的需求。AndsoeachtimeIhadaworrying,upsetting,negativethought,Iforcedmyselftoconcentrateonsomethingelseuntiltheurgepassed.所以每次當(dāng)我擔(dān)心,煩惱,或帶有負(fù)面情緒時,我就強(qiáng)迫自己專注于其他事情,直到那種感覺過去。Andwithinoneweek,mywholeoutlookchangedandbecamemorepositiveandmorehopeful.僅僅一周時間,我
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