英語經(jīng)典笑話96則

英語經(jīng)典笑話一(EnglishJokesforESL/EFLClassroom)

|文章作者：佚名|文章來源：網(wǎng)絡(luò)|文章錄入：henry982|更新時間：2006-8-10|字體：小大|

衣史畫ThePerfectSon.

A:Ihavetheperfectson.

B:Doeshesmoke?

A:No,hedoesn*t.

B:Doeshedrinkwhiskey?

A:No,hedoesn't.

B:Doesheevercomehomelate?

A:No,hedoesn*t.

B:Iguessyoureallydohavetheperfectson.Howoldishe?

A:HewillbesixmonthsoldnextWednesday.

Girl:Youwouldbeagooddancerexceptfortwothings.

Boy:Whatarethetwothings?

Girl:Yourfeet.

Afamilyofmiceweresurprisedbyabigcat.FatherMousejumpedandandsaid,

"Bow-wow!"Thecatranaway."Whatwasthat,Father?"askedBabyMouse."Well,son,

that'swhyit'simportanttolearnasecondlanguage."

MyfriendsaidheknewamanwithawoodenlegnamedSmith.

SoIaskedhim"Whatwasthenameofhisotherleg?"

(Trythisonewithyourstudentsthenexttimeyouareteachingalessonthatincludesthis

1

typeofgrammer.)

Thedoctortothepatient:'Youareverysick'

Thepatienttothedoctor:'CanIgetasecondopinion?'

Thedoctoragain:'Yes,youareveryuglytoo...'

Iusethisjokeforretellinginreportedspeech.

Amangoestothedoctorandsays,"Doctor,whereverItouch,ithurts.M

Thedoctorasks,"Whatdoyoumean?'1

Themansays,"WhenItouchmyshoulder,itreallyhurts.IfItouchmyknee-OUCH!When

Itouchmyforehead,itreally,reallyhurts."

Thedoctorsays,"Iknowwhat'swrongwithyou-you'vebrokenyourfinger!"

Patient:Doctor,IhaveapaininmyeyewheneverIdrinktea.

Doctor:Takethespoonoutofthemugbeforeyoudrink.

Patient:Doctor!You'vegottohelpme!Nobodyeverlistenstome.Nooneeverpaysany

attentiontowhatIhavetosay.

Doctor:Nextplease!

Twoboyswerearguingwhentheteacherenteredtheroom.

Theteachersays,"Whyareyouarguing?**

Oneboyanswers,"Wefoundatendollorbillanddecidedtogiveittowhoevertellsthe

biggestlie."

"Youshouldbeashamedofyourselves,"saidtheteacher,"WhenIwasyourageIdidn'teven

2

knowwhataliewas.

Theboysgavethetendollarstotheteacher.

Asnailwalksintoabarandthebarmantellshimthere'sastrictpolicyabouthavingsnailsin

thebarandsokickshimout.Ayearlaterthesamesnailre-entersthebarandasksthe

barman"Whatdidyoudothatfor?"

A:Justlookatthatyoungpersonwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?

B:Ifsagirl.She'smydaughter.

A:Oh,I'msorry,sir.Ididn'tknowthatyouwereherfather.

B:I'mnot.I'mhermother.

Mother:"Didyouenjoyyourfirstdayatschool?"

Girl:nFirstday?DoyoumeanIhavetogobacktomorrow?

Headmaster:I'vehadcomplaintsaboutyou,Johnny,fromallyourteachers.Whathaveyou

beendoing?

Johnny:Nothing,sir.

Headmaster:Exactly.

Teacher:"Nick,whatisthepastparticipleoftheverbtoring?"

Nick:"Whatdoyouthinkitis,Sir?"

Teacher:"Idon'tthink,IKNOW!"

Nick:Mldon'tthinkIknoweither,Sir!"

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A:Hey,man!Pleasecallmeataxi.

B:Yes,sir.Youareataxi.

A:Whyareyoucrying?

B:Theelephantisdead.

A:Washeyourpet?

B:No,butI'mtheonewhomustdighisgrave.

Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.

"Wow!,Hsaidherfather,"Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?1'

"Wrongnumber,"repliedthegirl.

PUPIL:"WouldyoupunishmeforsomethingIdidn'tdo?',

TEACHER:"Ofcoursenot.”

PUPIL:"Good,becauseIhaven'tdonemyhomework.H

Ateacheraskedastudenttowrite55.

Studentasked:How?

Teacher:Write5andbesideitanother5!

Thestudentwrote5andstopped.

teacher:Whatareyouwaitingfor?

student:Idon'tknowwhichsidetowritetheother5!

WhenIwanttoteachthecoulors,Ijustaskmystudentstopretendthephoneisringingand

4

theywillanswer:

Phonerings:"Green,green!*1

Theyanswer:"Yellow?,1

Theyask:"White?"

Theyhangup:"Pink!"

Whileteachingthisuseyourhandspretendingyouareholdingthephone.

LittleJohnny:Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?

Teacher:LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?

LittleJohnny:ButIaskedfirst!

Twogoldfishinabowltalking:

Goldfish1:DoyoubelieveinGod?

Goldfish2:Ofcourse,Ido!Whodoyouthinkchangesthewater?

Son:Dad,whatisanidiot?

Dad:Anidiotisapersonwhotriestoexplainhisideasinsuchastrangeandlongwaythat

anotherpersonwhoislisteningtohimcan*tunderstandhim.Doyouunderstandme?

Son:No.

Man:Icouldgototheendoftheworldforyou.

Woman:Yes,butwouldyoustaythere?

Man:Iofferyoumyself.

Woman:IamsorryIneveracceptcheapgifts.

5

Man:Iwanttoshareeverythingwithyou.

Woman:Let'sstartfromyourbankaccount.

Teacher:Whyareyoulate?

Student:Therewasamanwholostahundreddollarbill.

Teacher:That'snice.Wereyouhelpinghimlookforit?

Student:No.Iwasstandingonit.

Customer:Excuseme,butIsawyourthumbinmysoupwhenyouwerecarryingit.

Waitress:Oh,that'sokay.Thesoupisn'thot.

Therealestateagentsays,Hlhaveagood,cheapapartmentforyou.

Themanreplys,"Bytheweekorbythemonth?*'

Theagentanswers,"Bythegarbagedump.."

BankTeller:Howdoyoulikethemoney?

EnglishStudent:Ilikeitverymuch.

"Whydoyoutakebathsinmilk?"

"Ican'tfindacowtallenoughforashower.

Customerinarestaurant:Iwouldliketohaveaplateofriceandapieceoffriedchickenand

acupofcoffee

Waitress:IsitenoughSir?

Customer:What?DoyouthinkIcan'tbuymore?

6

"Youlookveryfunnywearingthatbelt.'1

"IwouldlookevenfunnierifIdidn'twearit.

"IwasborninCalifornia.

"Whichpart?"

"Allofme.”

HExcuseme.Doyouknowthewaytothezoo?"

"No,I'msorryIdon't."

"Well,it'stwoblocksthisway,thenoneblocktotheleft.

Teacher:Doyouhavetroublemakingdecisions?

Student:Well...yesandno.

過弋^iThreemicearebeingchasedbyacat.Themicewerecorneredwhenoneofthe

miceturnedaroundandbarked,"Ruff!Ruff!Ruff!"Thesurprisedcatranawayscared.Later

whenthemicetoldtheirmotherwhathappened,shesmiledandsaid,"Yousee,itpaystobe

bilingual!"

Oncetherewerethreeturtles.Onedaytheydecidedtogoonapicnic.Whentheygotthere,

theyrealizedtheyhadforgottenthesoda.Theyoungestturtlesaidhewouldgohomeandget

itiftheywouldn'teatthesandwichesuntilhegotback.Aweekwentby,thenamonth,finally

ayear,whenthetwoturtlessaid,"oh,comeon,lefseatthesandwiches."Suddenlythelittle

turtlepoppedupfrombehindarockandsaid,Mlfyoudo,Iwon'tgo!"

7

Theteachertoastudent:ConjugatetheverbHtowalk"insimplepresent.

Thestudent:Iwalk.Youwalk....

Theteacherintrupteshim:Quickerplease.

Thestudent:Irun.Yourun...

Father:Whatdidyoudotodaytohelpyourmother?

Son:Idriedthedishes

Daughter:AndIhelpedpickupthepieces.

A:LookatyourfaceIknowwhatyouhaveforbreakfast

B:Whatwasit?

A:Eggs.

B:No,thatwasyesterday.

A:Whyareallthosepeoplerunning?

B:Theyarerunningaracetogetacup.

A:Whowillgetthecup?

B:Thepersonwhowins.

A:Thenwhyarealltheothersrunning?

Patient:Doctor,IthinkthatI'vebittenbyavampire.

Doctor:Drinkthisglassofwater.

Patient:Willitmakemebetter?

Doctor:No,Ibut111beabletoseeifyourneckleaks.

8

Saidtoarailroadengineer:

What'stheuseofhavingatrainscheduleifthetrainsarealwayslate.

Thereplyfromtherailroadengineer:

Howwouldweknowtheywerelate,ifwedidn'thaveaschedule?

A:WhenIstandonmyheadthebloodrushestomyhead,butwhenIstandonmyfeetthe

blooddoesn'trushtomyfeet.Whyisthis?

B:Ifsbecauseyourfeetaren'tempty.

Teacher:Didyoufatherhelpyourwithyourhomework?

Student:No,hediditallbyhimself.

Teacher:WhataresomeproductsoftheWestIndies?

Student:Idon*tknow.

Teacher:Ofcourse,youdo.Wheredoyougetsugarfrom?

Student:Weborrowitfromourneighbor.

Onacrowdedbus,onemannoticedthatanothermanhadhiseyesclosed.

"Whafsthematter?Areyousick?"heasked.

"No,Tmokay.It'sjustthatIhatetoseeoldladiesstanding.M

Ifbigelephantshavebigtrunks,dosmallelephantshavesuitcases?

9

A:Doyouwanttohearadirtyjoke?

B:Ok

A:Awhitehorsefellinthemud.

Anervousoldladyonabuswasmadeevenmorenervousbythefactthatthedriver

periodicallytookhisarmoutofthewindow.Whenshecouldn'tstanditanylonger,she

tappedhimontheshoulderandwhisperedonhisear:"Youngman...youkeepbothhandson

thewheel...I'lltellyouwhenit'sraining!”:)

Iusedtobeawerewoolf...

ButI'mmuchbetternoooooooooooow!

"SpellSPOTthreetimes."

"SPOT,SPOT,SPOT"

"Whatdoyoudowhenyoucometoagreenlight?'*

(answerisinvariably-)"Stop!”

"What,ataGREENlight?"

ThereisaCaliforniadudegoingthroughadesert.He'swearingshorts,sunglasses,atowel

andlisteningtomusiconhisWalkman.He'shavingagoodtime.Suddenlyheseesacaravan

approaching.HestopstheArabsandaskthemcheerfully:"Heydudeshowfaristhesea?"

Theylookateachotherandsay:"Twothousandmiles!'1Andhesays:"Wowwhatacool

beach!!!"

Inarestaurant:

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Customer:Waiter,waiter!Thereisafroginmysoup!!!

Waiter:Sorry,sir.Theflyisonvacation.

Oneteachersaidthistohisstudentsbeforethefinaltest.

"A"isforGod.

"B"isformeandmywife.

"C"isfortheperfectstudent.

"D&F"areforallotherstudents.

MansaidtoGod---Whydidyoumakewomensobeautiful?

Godsaidtoman---Sothatyouwilllovethem.

MansaidtoGod---Butwhydidyoumakethemsodumb?

Godsaidtoman---Sothattheywillloveyou.

Thisisahumorous"fake"newsitemswhichmanyadultESL/EFLstudentsmayunderstand.

REDMOND,WA(API)--MICROSOFT(MSFT)announcedtodaythat

theofficialreleasedateforthenewoperatingsystem

"Windows2000"willbedelayeduntilthesecondquarterof

1901.

KnockKnock

Who'sthere?

Olive.

Olivewho?

Oliveyousomuch!(Iloveyousomuch..)

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Knock,knock.

Who'sthere?

Banana.

Bananawho?

Knock,knock.

Who'sthere?

Banana.

Bananawho?

Knock,knock.

Who'sthere?

Banana.

Bananawho?

Knock,knock.

Who'sthere?

Orange.

Orangewho?

OrangeyougladIdidn*tsaybanana?

(Foradvancedlearners...andteachers?)

Earlyonemorning,oneofthegodswasgallopingaroundMountOlympus.Invigoratedbythe

briskbreeze,heshoutedeuphorically,"TmThor!”

Hisstallionlookedbackathimandremindedhim,"That'thbecautheyouforgotthethaddle,

thilly!"

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Didyouhearabouttheskeletonwhowalkedintoacafe?

Heorderedacupofoacafe?

Heorderedacupofcoffeeandamop.

1.Didyouhearabouttheblindcarpenterwhopickeduphishammerandsaw?

2.Didyouhearaboutthedeafshepherderwhogatheredhisflockandheard?

Youcanusethisjoketoexplainthatinsultingsomeoneisconsideredfunnyespeciallywhen

thatpersonisfishingforacompliment.

Mary:JohnsaysI'mpretty.AndysaysI'mugly.Whatdoyouthink,Peter?

Peter:Ithinkyou'reprettyugly.

Mybossissounpopularevenhisownshadowrefusestofollowhim.

"Doyouknowwhatreallyamazesmeaboutyou?"

"No.What?"

"Oops.Sorry.Iwasthinkingaboutsomeoneelse!"

Whydoweparkourcarinthedrivewayanddriveourcarontheparkway?

Iftinwhistlesaremadeoftin,whatarefoghornsmadeof?

Ifvegetarianseatvegetables,whatdohumanitarianseat?

SubmittedbyShahirah

CommentProbablytoodifficultformostESLstudents.

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Apersonwhospeakstwolanguagesisbilingual...Apersonwhospeaksthreelanguagesis

trilingual...Apersonwhospeaksfourormorelanguagesismultilingual.

Whatisapersonwhospeaksonelanguage?

AnAmerican.

Man:Howcanyoutellifamanishappy?

Woman:Whocares?!

(Useasanexampleofasexistjoke.)

1、HowmuchEnglishcanyouspeak?

"YourHonor,Iwanttobringtoyourattentionhowunfairitisformyclienttobeaccused

oftheft.HearrivedinNewYorkCityaweekagoandbarelyknewhiswayaround.What's

more,heonlyspeaksafewwordsofEnglish.M

Thejudgelookedatthedefendantandasked,nHowmuchEnglishcanyouspeak?"

Thedefendantlookedupandsaid,"Givemeyourwallet!"

2

Ahusband,provingtohiswifethatwomentalkmorethanmen,showedherastudywhich

indicatedthatmenuseonaverageonly15000wordsaday,whereaswomenuse30000

wordsaday.Shethoughtaboutthisforawhileandthentoldherhusbandthatwomenuse

twiceasmanywordsasmenbecausetheyhavetorepeateverythingtheysay.

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Hesaid,"What?"

3

Boy:Isthisseatempty?

Girl:Yes,andthisonewillbeifyousitdown.

4、"Tom,whafsthematterwithyourbrother?"askedthemotherinthekitchen."He's

crying/*

"Oh,nothing,Mum,'*repliedTom."I'meatingmycake.HeiscryingbecauseIwon'tgivehim

any.”

"Buthashefinishedhisowncake?"

"Yes."saidTom."AndhealsocriedwhenIwashelpinghimfinishthat."

2009-6-7

Aguysaystohisfriend,"GuesshowmanycoinsIhaveinmypocket.M

Thefriendssays,'*lfIguessright,willyougivemeoneofthem?"

Thefirstguyssays,"Ifyouguessright,I'llgiveyoubothofthem!n

2009-6-6研究生和本科生的區(qū)別

"Icanalwaystellagraduateclassfromanundergraduateclass,"saidaninstructorata

15

universitygraduateengineeringcourse."WhenIsay'Goodafternoon/theundergraduates

respond'Goodafternoon.'Butthegraduatestudentsjustwriteitdown.',

2009-6-5

Dad:Tom,pleasetellme,whichmonthhas28days?

Tom:Everymonth.

2009-6-4makingfaces

Findingoneofherstudentsmakingfacesatothersontheplayground,MsSmithstoppedto

gentlyreprimandthechild.Smilingsweetly,theSundayschoolteachersaid,"Bobby,when

IwasachildIwastoldifImadeuglyfaces,myfacewouldfreezeandstaylikethat'*.Bobby

lookedupandreplied,"Well,MsSmith,youcan'tsayyouweren'twarned."

2009-6-3

Aguygoestovisithisgrandmaandhebringshisfriendwithhim.

Whilehe'stalkingtohisgrandma,hisfriendstartseatingthepeanutsonthecoffeetable,

andfinishesthemoff.

Asthey'releaving,hisfriendsaystohisgrandma,"Thanksforthepeanuts."

Shesays,"Yeah,sinceIlostmydenturesIcanonlysuckthechocolateoff."

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2009-6-2

Afatherwastryingtoteachhissontheevilsofalcohol.

Heputoneworminaglassofwaterandanotherworminaglassofwhiskey.Theworminthe

waterlived,whiletheoneinthewhiskeycurledupanddied.

"Allright,son,"askedthefather,"Whatdoesthatshowyou?1'

"Well,Dad,itshowsthatifyoudrinkalcohol,youwillnothaveworms."

2009-6-1

Lookingveryunhappy,apoormanenteredadoctor'sconsulting-room.

"Doctor/*hesaid,"youmusthelpme.Iswallowedapennyaboutamonthago."

"Goodheavens,man!"saidthedoctor."Whyhaveyouwaitedsolong?Whydon*tyoucome

tomeonthedayyouswallowedit?”

*'Totellyouthetruth,Doctor,"thepoormanreplied,Hldidn*tneedthemoneysobadly

then.11

2009-5-31

Boy:Hi,didn'twegoondatesbefore?Onecortwice?

Girl:Must'vebeenonce.Inevermakethesamemistaketwice.

2009-5-30

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Inanentranceexaminationofaconservatoryofmusic,ateacheraskedoneoftheboys,

"Whatisthemostimportantphysiologicalqualityofamusician?"

“Tobedeaf,"repliedtheboy.

"Nonsense!*'saidtheteacherangrily.

"Why,sir!Don'tyouknowthatthefamousmusicianBeethovenwasdeaf?"theboyaskedin

replydisdainfully.

2009-5-28

Amansatatabar,hadthesaddesthangdogexpression.

Bartender:"What'sthematter?Areyouhavingtroubleswithyourwife?"

Theman:"Wehadafight,andshetoldmethatshewasn'tgoingtospeaktomefora

month."

Bartender:"Thatshouldmakeyouhappy."

Theman:"No,themonthisuptoday!"

[Laughter]2009-5-27

Awomanworriesaboutthefutureuntilshegetsahusband.Amanneverworriesaboutthe

futureuntilhegetsawife.

2009-5-26

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Amanwillpay$2fora$1itemhewants.Awomanwillpay$1fora$2itemthatshedoesn*t

want.

2009-5-25

Thefemaledormitorywillbeout-of-boundsforallmalestudentsandviceversa."Anybody

caughtbreakingthisrulewillbefined$20thefirsttime.Anybodycaughtbreakingthis

rulethe2ndtimewillbefined$60.Beingcaughta3rdtimewillincurafineof$180.Are

thereanyquestions?"Atthismoment,amalestudentinthecrowdinquires,"Umm...How

much

foraseasonpass?"

2009-5-24

Boy:CanIbuyyouadrink?

Girl:ActuallyI'dratherhavethemoney.

2009-5-22

Doctor:Yourcoughsoundsmuchbettertoday.

Patient:Itshould.I*vebeenpracticingallnight.

2009-5-21

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Pete:HThelasttimeIwasouthunting,Isteppedoffahighcliff,andwouldyoubelieve

it,whileIwasfallingeveryfooldeedI'deverdonecameintomymind."

Bob:"Musthavebeenaprettyhighmountainyoufellfrom.”

2009-5-19

Spendingthenightwiththeirgrandparents,2youngboyskneltbesidetheirbedstosay

theirprayersatbedtime.Theyoungerboybeganprayingatthetopofhislungs:"lPRAYFOR

ABIKE...IPRAYFORANEWDVD..."

Hisolderbrothernudgedhimandsaid,"Whyareyoushoutingyourprayers?Godisn'tdeaf."

Towhichthelittlebrotherreplied,"No,butGrandmais!"

2009-5-18

Acopspottedawomandrivingandknittingatthesametime.Comingupbesideher,hesaid,

"Pullover!"

"No,"shereplied,"apairofsocks!"

教你說地道的英語笑話

第一章幽默小火花

Moneyisnoteverything.There'sMastercard&Visa.

鈔票不是萬能的,有時還需要信用卡.

Oneshouldloveanimals.Theyaresotasty.

每個人都應(yīng)該熱愛動物，因?yàn)樗鼈兒芎贸?

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Lovetheneighbor.Butdon'tgetcaught.

要用心去愛你的鄰居，不過不要讓她的老公知道.

Behindeverysuccessfulman,thereisawoman.Andbehindeveryunsuccessfulman,

therearetwo.

每個成功男人的背后都有一個女人，每個不成功男人的背后都有兩個女人？

Everymanshouldmarry.Afterall,happinessisnottheonlythinginlife.

再快樂的單身漢遲早也會結(jié)婚,幸福不是永久的嘛.

Thewisenevermarry,Andwhentheymarrytheybecomeotherwise.

聰明人都是未婚的,結(jié)婚的人很難再聰明起來.

Successisarelativeterm.Itbringssomanyrelatives.

成功是一個相關(guān)名詞，他會給你帶來很多不相關(guān)的親戚（聯(lián)系）.

Neverputofftheworktilltomorrowwhatyoucanputofftoday.

不要等明天交不上差再找借口，今天就要找好.

Loveisphotogenic.Itneedsdarknesstodevelop.

愛情就象照片，需要大量的暗房時間來培養(yǎng).

Childreninbackseatscauseaccidents.Accidentsinbackseatscausechildren.

后排座位上的小孩會生出意外，后排座位上的意外會生出小孩.

“Yourfuturedependsonyourdreams.1'Sogotosleep.

"現(xiàn)在的夢想決定著你的將來"，所以還是再睡?會吧.

Thereshouldbeabetterwaytostartadaythanwakingupeverymorning.

應(yīng)該有更好的方式開始新一天，而不是千篇一律的在每個上午都醒來.

"Hardworkneverkillsanybody."Butwhytaketherisk?H

努力工作不會導(dǎo)致死亡!"不過我不會用自己去證明.

"Workfascinatesme."Icanlookatitforhours!”

工作好有意思耶!”尤其是看著別人工作.

Godmaderelatives;ThankGodwecanchooseourfriends.

神決定了誰是你的親戚，幸運(yùn)的是在選擇朋友方面他給了你留了余地。

Whentwo'scompany,three'stheresult!

兩個人的狀態(tài)是不穩(wěn)定的,三個人才是！

Adressislikeabarbedfence.Itprotectsthepremiseswithoutrestrictingtheview.

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服飾就象鐵絲網(wǎng),它阻止你冒然行動，但并不妨礙你盡情地觀看.

Themoreyoulearn,themoreyouknow,Themoreyouknow,themoreyouforget.Themore

youforget,thelessyouknow.Sowhybothertolearn.

學(xué)的越多,知道的越多，知道的越多；忘記的越多，忘記的越多；知道的越少，為什么學(xué)

來著?！

第二章愛情中的幽默

Shewashissecretarybeforetheygotmarried.Nowshe'shistreasurer.

在他們結(jié)婚之前她是他的秘書，現(xiàn)在她是他的"出納"。

MywifeandIhaveanagreementthatwenevergotosleepangrywitheachother.We've

beenawakenowfornearly6months.。

我和我妻子達(dá)成了一個協(xié)議：絕不在和對方生氣的情況下去睡覺。結(jié)果我們已經(jīng)6個月

沒睡覺了

Mywifealwaysletsmehavethelastword.It'susually,'Yes.'

我妻子總是讓我最后拿主意。我總是說：是。

Ahusbandisamanwithlotsofsmallmouthstofeedandonebigonetolistento.

所謂丈夫就是要喂許多張小嘴吃飯還要聽一張大嘴說話的男人。

He'sabachelorbychoice.Sometimeshisown,butmostlythechoiceofthewomenhe*s

dated.

他之所以單身事出有因。有時那是他自己選擇，而絕大多數(shù)時候則是那些他所約會的女

人的選擇。

WheneverImeetamanwhowouldmakeagoodhusband,healreadyis.

每當(dāng)我遇到一個我覺得會是個好丈夫的男人時，他都已經(jīng)是了。

Theonlypersonwho'saskedhertogetmarriedishermother.

唯一想叫她結(jié)婚的人就是她母親。

Ithink-thereforeFmsingle.

我思考-所以我單身

Awallflowerisamanwhosephonedoesn'tring-evenwhenhe'sinthebath.

所謂局外人就是那些電話從不響的男人-即使當(dāng)他們在洗澡的時候。

10

Abachelorisamanwhoneverchasesawomanhecan'toutrun.

單身漢就是那些決不追趕那些他們無法追上的女人的男人。

22

11

Thedaysjustpriortomarriagearelikeasnappyintroductiontoatediousbook.

婚前的日子相對于婚姻來說就像是一本冗長乏味的書的一段短小精悍的序言。

12

Oneshouldalwaysbeinlove-thatisonereasonwhyoneshouldnevermarry.

人們應(yīng)該永遠(yuǎn)沉浸在愛之中--這就是人們應(yīng)該永遠(yuǎn)不要結(jié)婚的理由之一。

13

Marriageisaverygoodthing,butIthinkit*samistaketomakeahabitofit.

結(jié)婚是件好事，可我認(rèn)為如果把它當(dāng)作一種習(xí)慣就不好了。

14

Itdestroysone'snervestobeamiableeverydaytothesamehumanbeing.

如果每天都對著同一個人和諭可親會使人的神經(jīng)崩潰的。

15

Whatdidyoudobeforeyoumarried?-AnythingIwantedto!

你結(jié)婚之前都干什么了？--我喜歡干的所有事！

16

Thetruthis,IregretthedayIwasmarried.-You'relucky.Iwasmarriedforawholemonth!

事實(shí)上，我對我結(jié)婚的那天真感到后悔。-你很幸運(yùn)！我的婚禮持續(xù)了整整一個月。

17

Didyourwifehaveanythingtosaywhenyougothomelatelastnight?-No,butitdidn*tstop

hertalkingforhours.

昨晚你回家晚了時你妻子對你說什么了嗎？-沒，但這并不妨礙她連說幾個小時一直沒

停嘴。

18

Youknowthehoneymoon'soverwhenthegroomstopshelpinghiswifewiththedishes-and

startsdoingthemhimself!

你知道嗎，新郎不幫妻子刷碗而開始自己刷碗的時候就意味著蜜月結(jié)束了。

19

There*sonlyonethingthatkeepsmefrombeinghappilymarried-mywife.

唯一讓我的婚姻得不到幸福的就是-我妻子。

20

Marriageisjustanotherunionthatdefiesmanagement.

婚姻就是一個反抗管理的聯(lián)盟。

23

戀愛中的人

1

Loveislikewar,easytobeginbuthardtoend.

愛就像一場戰(zhàn)爭，開戰(zhàn)容易停火難。

2

Loveopensyourchestandopensyourheartanditmeanssomeonecangetinsideyouand

messyouup.

愛扒開你的胸膛，掏出你的心臟，有人就乘機(jī)侵入你的心胸把你搞得一團(tuán)糟。

3

DoesGodpunishorrewarduswithlove?

愛，是上帝用來懲罰我們的還是獎賞我們的呢？

4

Loveyourneighbor,butdon'tgetcaught.

愛你的鄰家女孩吧，但注意不要被逮著了。

5

Iloveahandthatmeetsmyownwithagraspthatcausessomesensation.

我喜愛這樣的一只手，它的力度讓我有幾分感覺的手。

6

Thewaytoloveanythingistorealizethatitmightbelost.

珍愛?切的好辦法是：意識到你可能會失去它。

7

Loveislikequicksilverinthehand.Leavethefingersopenanditstays.Clutchit,anditdarts

away.

愛就像是握在手里的水銀，把手指張開，它好好的呆在那里，要是你緊緊抓著，它反而

溜走了。

8

Ifyoujudgepeople,youhavenotimetolovethem.

老是審視別人的話，你就騰不出時間去愛他們了。

9

Averysmalldegreeofhopeissufficienttocausethebirthoflove.

極其微弱的一線希望就足以點(diǎn)燃愛的火花。

10

Atthetouchoflove,everyonebecomesapoet.

一談到愛，每個人都變成了一位詩人。

24

11

Sometimestheperfectpersonforyouistheoneyouleastexpect.

有時候，最適合你的人恰恰是你最沒有想到的人。

12

HowluckyIamtohavesomethingthatmakessayinggoodbyesohard.

我是多么幸運(yùn)啊，擁有一樣?xùn)|西讓我的“再見”遲遲說不出口。

13

TheEskimoshave52wordsforsnowbecauseitissospecialforthem;thereoughttobeas

manyforlove!

愛斯基摩人有52個分別表示“雪”的詞語，因?yàn)檠┰谒麄兊纳钪刑匾?；我們也?yīng)

該有這么多表達(dá)“愛”的詞語啊！

14

Ifequalaffectioncannotbe,letthemorelovingonebeme.

如果世上真的不存在兩方對等的愛，就讓付出更多的一方是我吧。

15

Whentwoeyesmeetandholdstrongly,theyareboundtomeetagain.

當(dāng)兩眼相遇久久凝視，這兩雙眼睛注定將會再一次相遇。

16

Ilovebeingmarried.Itssogreattofindonespecialpersonyouwanttoannoyfortherestof

yourlife.

我喜歡成家，擁有一個在自己的余生中特別想去得罪的人，這不是一件很美好的事情

嗎？

17

Lovedoesn'tmaketheworldgoround.Loveiswhatmakestherideworthwhile.

愛不是把地球變圓，愛是讓環(huán)球旅行有價(jià)值。

18

Toloveistobevulnerable.

去愛一個人就是把自己變得特別脆弱。

19

Loveatfirstsightneverhappensbeforebreakfast.

一見鐘情的愛從來不會發(fā)生在饑腸轆轆的早餐以前。

20

Toloveisnottolookatoneanother,buttolooktogetherinthesamedirection.

相愛不是你看我我看你，而是一起朝著相同的方向望去。

25

21

Iwasn'tkissingher,Iwaswhisperinginhermouth.

注意了，我不是在吻她，我只是在她的嘴邊呢喃。

22

Myloveislikeanocean;itgoesdownsodeep.Myloveislikearose;whosebeautyyou

wanttokeep.

我的愛就像浩瀚的海洋，它深沉厚重；我的愛就像芬芳的玫瑰，你疼愛珍重。

23

Allshallbewell,andJackshallhaveJill.

一切都會好起來，她會向你走過來。

24

Firstloveisonlyalittlefoolishnessandalotofcuriosity.

初戀只是一分傻冒再加九分好奇。

25

Whenyoulovesomeone,allyoursaved-upwishesstartcomingout.

當(dāng)你愛上一個人的時候，所有深藏在心的祝福都奔涌而出了。

26

Camebutforfriendship,andtookawaylove.

你為友情而來，卻把愛情帶走。

27

For,yousee,eachdayIloveyoumore,todaymorethanyesterdayandlessthantomorrow.

你看，每一天我都愛你多一些，今天比昨天多但比明天少。

28

Lovedoesn'tsittherelikeastone.Ithastobemadelikebread;remadeallthetime..made

new.

愛不是一塊木頭，一動不動的坐在那里；對待愛，要像做面包那樣--反復(fù)揉搓，不斷翻

新。

29

Amanfallsinlovethroughhiseyes,awomanthroughherears.

男人是透過他的眼睛捕捉愛意的，女人是通過她的耳朵體驗(yàn)愛意的。

30

Lifeisaflowerofwhichloveisthehoney.

人生是鮮花，愛情是蜂蜜。

26

戀愛中的女人說

Femalessaythat.....

menarehardtoplease

男人很難取悅!！

theproblemswithguys:

男人的問題是：

ifutreathimnicely,hesaysuareinlovewithhim;

如果你對他好，他說你愛上他了.

ifudon't,hesaysuareproud.

對他不好，他說你驕傲.

ifudressnicely,hesaysuaretryingtolurehim;

如果你穿得很漂亮，他說你企圖誘惑他.

ifudonVt,hesaysuarefromkampong.

如果不，他說你是鄉(xiāng)下來的

ifuarguewithhim,hesaysuarestubborn;

如果你跟他理論，他說你固執(zhí)

ifukeepquiet,hesaysuhavenobrains.

如果你沉默，他說你沒大腦！

ifuaresmarterthanhim,heVllloseface;

如果你比他聰明，他說那是小聰明

ifhe\'ssmarterthanu,heisgreat.

如果他比你聰明，他就是有智慧！

ifudonVtlovehim,hetriesto