讀后續(xù)寫攢錢圓夢家人逐句修改作文瞬間飆講義-高三英語上學期二輪復習專項

讀后續(xù)寫攢錢圓夢家人逐句修改作文瞬間飆(遼寧省名校聯(lián)盟東北三省三校2024年高三9月聯(lián)考作文)在寫作中，像“家庭貧困、孩子想給媽媽買生日禮物、攢錢實現(xiàn)愿望”這樣的主題經(jīng)常被考查。這類題材通過親情的描寫，能夠深入打動讀者，展現(xiàn)孩子為了親人夢想不懈努力的感人過程。而在續(xù)寫中，攢錢實現(xiàn)父母夢想的故事同樣貼近這個主題。通過孩子默默積攢零花錢，最終幫助父母實現(xiàn)一個長期未能完成的愿望。原題在線遼寧省名校聯(lián)盟東北三省三校2024年高三9月份聯(lián)合考試英語【攢錢坐游輪】閱讀下面材料，根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開頭語續(xù)寫兩段，使之構成一篇完整的短文。Myfatherwassixtyfive.Thoughhehadplannedonretiringatsixty,hewasstillworkinghard.Forhim,raisingfourchildren—especiallynowthatmymotherhadstoppedworkingandwasathomefulltime—meanthecouldn’taffordtoretire.Italsomeanthefailedtoachieveanythinghepromisedmymom.“Sweetheart,”he’dsay,“I’mgoingtotakeyouonacruise(乘船游覽).”Hestilltoldherthat,andonlythesedaysheadded,“assoonasthekidsareoutofcollege.”Iknewthatputtingallofuskidsthroughcollegeprobablymeantitwasgoingtobeawhilebeforemyfatherachievedhisdreamofgoingawaywithmymotheronacruise—thoughitdidn’tstophimfromcuttingoutadsaboutcruisevacations!Itwascute,butitwaskindofsad,too.IremembermygrandmotheralwayswantedtogotoNovaScotia.Mygrandfatherwouldalwayssay,“We’llgonextyear,sweetheart.”Thenshedied.MygrandmothernevergottoseeNovaScotia.Ijustdidn’twantmyparentstowaituntilitwastoolate.Idecidedtosaveupmymoneytosendmyparentsonacruiseevenifitwasashortthreedaycruise.Myfriendssaidtome,“Getreal!Savingupforacruiseissomethingyouwillneverbeabletodo.”ButIdidn’tbelievethat.ItwasnotlikeIcouldsendthemaroundtheworldoranything,butIdidn’tthinkmyputtingtogetherthemoneyforashorttripwasanimpossiblegoal.Iwasdeterminedthatjustasmyparentshadmademydreamsetrueforalltheseyearsfrommyfirstbicycletomyfirstsoccercamp—IwasgoingtodoallIcouldtomaketheirdreamofgoingonacruiseetrue.注意：1.續(xù)寫詞數(shù)應為150左右；2.請按如下格式在答題卡的相應位置作答。Istarteddoingoddjobs(零工)andyardworkaroundtheneighborhood._______________________________________________________________________________________________________________Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!________________________________________________________________________________________________________________情節(jié)概要打工攢錢本文講述了作者的父親雖然計劃在60歲退休，但由于要撫養(yǎng)四個孩子以及母親不再工作，他不得不繼續(xù)工作，無法實現(xiàn)帶母親去乘船游覽的承諾。作者不希望父母像祖父母那樣錯失夢想，于是決定自己攢錢給父母實現(xiàn)這個愿望。盡管朋友們質(zhì)疑作者的計劃，但作者堅持努力，希望以此回報父母多年來為自己實現(xiàn)夢想所付出的辛勞。寫作升級1一檔習作Istarteddoingoddjobsandyardworkaroundtheneighborhood.Onweekends,Imowedlawns,walkeddogs,andbabysatforneighbors.EverytimeIfelttired,Ithoughtofmydad’stiredeyesandhisgentlesmileashetalkedaboutthatcruise.MyparentshadalwaysgivenmeeverythingIneeded,andthiswasmychancetogivesomethingback.Iopenedasavingsaccountandwatchedasthemoneyslowlypiledup.Eventhoughmyfriendskepttellingmeitwasimpossible,Istayedfocused,remindingmyselfthatthiswasmywayofthankingmyparentsfortheirsacrifices.Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!Icouldn’tbelieveit.Holdingthecruiseticketsinmyhands,Ifeltarushofexcitement.Thatnightatdinner,Ihandedthemtomyparents.Mydad’seyeswidenedinshock,andmymomgasped.“Isthisreal?”myfatherasked,hisvoicetrembling.Inodded,tearswellingupinmyeyes.“You’vealwaystakencareofus,”Isaidsoftly,“nowit’syourturntotakeabreakandenjoyyourselves.”Theyhuggedmetightly,andforthefirsttimeinalongwhile,Isawmyfathertrulyrelax,theweightofhisresponsibilitiesfinallylifting.2逐句改寫這段文字表現(xiàn)良好，如果滿分是25分，這段文字大概至少能得到22分，具體得分還取決于評閱者的個人標準。同時，我們還可以通過一些小的修改來提升整體的效果。好，我們接下來逐句解析該文，看看每一句是如何精巧構思的，并且可以怎樣寫得更好。第一段：1.Onweekends,Imowedlawns,walkeddogs,andbabysatforneighbors.賞析：這一句具體描述了主角的工作內(nèi)容，給讀者一個直觀的感受。通過列舉不同的工作內(nèi)容，表現(xiàn)了主人公為實現(xiàn)目標所做的多樣努力。如何改寫：可以增加細節(jié)和感情。比如：Eachweekend,I'dwakeupearlytomowlawns,walkrestlessdogs,andbabysitnoisychildren,nomatterhowtiredIfelt.這樣更強調(diào)了主角在追求目標過程中的毅力。如果不受首句提示句限制，前兩句可以整合為：IthrewmyselfintoeveryoddjobIcouldfind,fromcleaninggaragestomowinglawns,allwithonegoalinmind:togivemyparentsthecruisetheyhadalwaysdreamedof.這樣不僅增加了任務的多樣性，也強化了目標的明確性。2.EverytimeIfelttired,Ithoughtofmydad’stiredeyesandhisgentlesmileashetalkedaboutthatcruise.賞析：這里是情感的升華，主角通過父親的形象化描寫，展現(xiàn)了他為父母努力的動力。用“tiredeyes”和“gentlesmile”將父親的形象立體化，增強了共情感。如何改寫：可以讓父親的情感傳達得更深刻些：Wheneverexhaustionhit,theimageofmydad'swearyeyesandthehopeinhissmileashetalkedaboutthecruisekeptmegoing.這樣更能突出父親長久以來的期待與溫暖。3.MyparentshadalwaysgivenmeeverythingIneeded,andthiswasmychancetogivesomethingback.賞析：這一句從故事的內(nèi)在邏輯上升到了情感的頂點，表達了感恩和回報的主題。通過父母長期給予的無私愛，反襯了主角的感激之情。如何改寫：可以通過更具象的方式表達這種感激：Afteryearsofthemgivinguptheirowndreamsforme,thiswasfinallymychancetogivethemsomethinginreturn.這樣的話語能更鮮明地傳遞出父母多年來的犧牲。4.Iopenedasavingsaccountandwatchedasthemoneyslowlypiledup.賞析：簡短的一句點明了儲蓄過程，表達了時間的流逝和逐漸積累的成就感。如何改寫：可以加入更多心理描寫：EachtimeIdepositedafewmoredollars,Iwatchedthebalancegrowwithamixtureofprideandanticipation.這樣不僅描寫了存錢，還表現(xiàn)了主角內(nèi)心的興奮和期待。5.Eventhoughmyfriendskepttellingmeitwasimpossible,Istayedfocused,remindingmyselfthatthiswasmywayofthankingmyparentsfortheirsacrifices.賞析：這一句既展示了外界的質(zhì)疑，也強調(diào)了主人公堅定的信念。通過對比，凸顯了主角的堅持。如何改寫：可以更深入表現(xiàn)外界的壓力：Despitemyfriends'constantdoubts,Iheldon,knowingthatthiswasmywayofsayingthankyouforallthesacrificesmyparentshadmadeforme.這樣將質(zhì)疑的語氣和主角的信念都表現(xiàn)得更細致。當然，如果字數(shù)過多，該句完全可以刪去不寫，對全文無影響。第二段：1.Oneyearlater,Ifinallysavedupenoughmoney!"賞析：這句話是整個故事的轉(zhuǎn)折點，經(jīng)過長期的努力，終于到達了目標。如果不是給的提示句，可以這么寫：Afterawholeyearofhardwork,Ifinallyhadenough!Therealizationhitmewithasurgeofjoyanddisbelief.通過情感描述，讓成功感更強烈。2.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Holdingthecruiseticketsinmyhands,Ifeltarushofexcitement.賞析：具體的動作“holdingthecruisetickets”讓讀者仿佛看到了那一瞬間的場景?！皉ushofexcitement”表達了主角內(nèi)心的激動。如何改寫：可以用比喻或細節(jié)描寫加強情緒的傳遞：Staringatthecruiseticketsinmyhands,itfeltlikeadream—aburstofexcitementfilledmychest,makingmyheartrace.這樣通過比喻增強了緊張與激動的感受。3.Thatnightatdinner,Ihandedthemtomyparents.賞析：這句直接推動了故事的高潮。通過描述遞出船票的動作，引出接下來的感人場景。如何改寫：可以增加遞出船票的細節(jié)：Atdinnerthatevening,withshakinghands,Islidtheticketsacrossthetabletomyparents.這樣讓遞出船票的瞬間更富有戲劇性。4.Mydad’seyeswidenedinshock,andmymomgasped.賞析：父母的反應非常直接，通過眼睛的描寫抓住了他們的驚訝與感動。如何改寫：可以將父母的情感表達得更豐富些：Mydad'seyeswidenedindisbelief,whilemymomletoutasmallgasp,herhandflyingtohermouthinshock.增加了母親動作的細節(jié)，讓情感更生動。5."Isthisreal?”myfatherasked,hisvoicetrembling.賞析：對話中，父親的trembling聲音顯示了他的感動。通過簡單的描述，突出了感情。如何改寫：可以更進一步描寫父親的心情："Isthisreal?”myfatherwhispered,hisvoicebreakingwithemotion.這樣讓父親的感動顯得更為深沉。6.Inodded,tearswellingupinmyeyes.賞析：簡短的一句話，通過“tearswellingup”描述了主角內(nèi)心的激動與感動，情緒表達自然。如何改寫：可以延續(xù)這一情感：Inodded,barelyabletoholdbackthetearsthatblurredmyvision.讓淚水與情緒的波動更加明顯。7."You’vealwaystakencareofus,”Isaidsoftly,“nowit’syourturntotakeabreakandenjoyyourselves.”賞析：這是故事的核心情感表達，孩子向父母表達了感恩。通過對話的溫柔語氣，充分展示了家庭之間的愛。如何改寫：可以加入更多回憶的元素："You'vespentyourwholelivestakingcareofus,"Isaid,myvoicethickwithemotion."Nowit'syourturntorestandenjoylife,justlikeyou'vealwaysdreamed."通過回顧父母的付出，情感的表達會更豐富。8.Theyhuggedmetightly,andforthefirsttimeinalongwhile,Isawmyfathertrulyrelax,theweightofhisresponsibilitiesfinallylifting.賞析：結尾非常感人，通過“huggedtightly”表現(xiàn)了親情的溫暖，父親終于得到了他應得的放松。如何改寫：可以更細致地描寫父親的變化：Theypulledmeintoatightembrace,andforthefirsttimeinyears,Isawthelinesofworryonmyfather'sfacesoften,asifagreatweighthadbeenliftedfromhisshoulders.這樣讓父親的放松更形象，表現(xiàn)了長期壓在他身上的責任感。3改寫后修改后的滿分習作如下（第二段確實有點長了，但實在舍不得刪了，權當語料給大家積累了）IthrewmyselfintoeveryoddjobIcouldfind,fromcleaninggaragestomowinglawns,allwithonegoalinmind:togivemyparentsthecruisetheyhadalwaysdreamedof.Wheneverexhaustionhit,theimageofmydad'swearyeyesandthehopeinhissmileashetalkedaboutthecruisekeptmegoing.Afteryearsofthemgivinguptheirowndreamsforme,thiswasfinallymychancetogivethemsomethinginreturn.EachtimeIdepositedafewmoredollars,Iwatchedthebalancegrowwithamixtureofprideandanticipation.Afterawholeyearofhardwork,Ifinallyhadenough!Therealizationhitmewithasurgeofjoyanddisbelief.Staringatthecruiseticketsinmyhands,itfeltlikeadream—aburstofexcitementfilledmychest,makingmyheartrace.Atdinnerthatevening,withshakinghands,Islidtheticketsacrossthetabletomyparents.Mydad'seyeswidenedindisbelief,whilemymomletoutasmallgasp,herhandflyingtohermouthinshock."Isthisreal?”myfatherwhispered,hisvoicebreakingwithemotion.Inodded,barelyabletoholdbackthetearsthatblurredmyvision."You'vespentyourwholelivestakingcareofus,"Isaid,myvoicethickwithemotion."Nowit'syourturntorestandenjoylife,justlikeyou'vealwaysdreamed.Theypulledmeintoatightembrace,andforthefirsttimeinyears,Isawthelinesofworryonmyfather'sfacesoften,asifagreatweighthadbeenliftedfromhisshoulders.參考譯文：我全身心投入到每一個我能找到的零工中，從清理車庫到修剪草坪，一切只為了一個目標：送給父母他們一直夢想的郵輪之旅。每當我筋疲力盡時，腦海中浮現(xiàn)出父親那疲憊的雙眼和他談起郵輪時含著希望的微笑，這讓我堅持了下來。多年里，他們?yōu)榱宋曳艞壛俗约旱膲粝耄@一次，終于輪到我回報他們了。每次存進幾美元，我都會帶著一絲自豪和期待，看著賬戶余額一點點增長。經(jīng)過一整年的努力，我終于攢夠了錢！這個事實讓我心中充滿了喜悅與難以置信的感覺。盯著手中的郵輪票，我仿佛置身夢境，胸腔中涌動的激動感讓我的心跳加速。那天晚餐時，我顫抖著雙手，將票輕輕推到父母面前。父親瞪大了眼睛，滿臉驚訝，而母親發(fā)出一聲低低的驚呼，手捂住了嘴巴，震驚不已?！斑@是真的嗎？”父親輕聲問道，聲音因為激動而微微顫抖。我點點頭，眼淚幾乎模糊了視線。“你們?yōu)槲覀儾賱诹艘惠呑?，”我哽咽著說，“現(xiàn)在該輪到你們休息，享受你們一直以來的夢想了。”他們緊緊地抱住了我，多年來父親臉上的憂慮仿佛在那一刻消散了，仿佛他肩上的重擔終于卸下。單句翻譯（教師檢測版）單句翻譯，可供課堂教學用。1.每當我筋疲力盡時，腦海中浮現(xiàn)出父親那疲憊的雙眼和他談起郵輪時含著希望的微笑，這讓我堅持了下來。_____