TED英語演講：真正的強(qiáng)大

Word文檔TED英語演講：真正的強(qiáng)大有多少人能夠正視自己的弱點(diǎn)，接受它，并且堅(jiān)信即使這樣的自己不完善，但也值得被愛?比起假如把自己偽裝、硬撐得完善起來，接受自己的不完善，并承認(rèn)那才是一切制造力、士氣和革新的發(fā)源地，才是歡樂的最簡(jiǎn)潔方式。下面是我為大家收集關(guān)于TED英語演講：真正的強(qiáng)大，歡迎借鑒參考。

TED演講：真正的強(qiáng)大，是敢于面對(duì)那個(gè)脆弱而不完善的自己

演講稿

So,Illstartwiththis:acoupleyearsago,aneventplannercalledmebecauseIwasgoingtodoaspeakingevent.Andshecalled,andshesaid,Imreallystrugglingwithhowtowriteaboutyouonthelittleflyer.AndIthought,Well,whatsthestruggle?Andshesaid,Well,Isawyouspeak,andImgoingtocallyouaresearcher,Ithink,butImafraidifIcallyouaresearcher,noonewillcome,becausetheyllthinkyoureboringandirrelevant.

AndIwaslike,Okay.Andshesaid,ButthethingIlikedaboutyourtalkisyoureastoryteller.SoIthinkwhatIlldoisjustcallyouastoryteller.Andofcourse,theacademic,insecurepartofmewaslike,Youregoingtocallmeawhat?Andshesaid,Imgoingtocallyouastoryteller.AndIwaslike,Whynotmagicpixie?

Iwaslike,Letmethinkaboutthisforasecond.Itriedtocalldeeponmycourage.AndIthought,youknow,Iamastoryteller.Imaqualitativeresearcher.Icollectstories;thatswhatIdo.Andmaybestoriesarejustdatawithasoul.AndmaybeImjustastoryteller.AndsoIsaid,Youknowwhat?WhydontyoujustsayImaresearcher-storyteller.Andshewent,Haha.Theresnosuchthing.

SoImaresearcher-storyteller,andImgoingtotalktoyoutoday--weretalkingaboutexpandingperception--andsoIwanttotalktoyouandtellsomestoriesaboutapieceofmyresearchthatfundamentallyexpandedmyperceptionandreallyactuallychangedthewaythatIliveandloveandworkandparent.

Andthisiswheremystorystarts.WhenIwasayoungresearcher,doctoralstudent,myfirstyear,Ihadaresearchprofessorwhosaidtous,Heresthething,ifyoucannotmeasureit,itdoesnotexist.AndIthoughthewasjustsweet-talkingme.Iwaslike,Really?andhewaslike,Absolutely.AndsoyouhavetounderstandthatIhaveabachelorsandamastersinsocialwork,andIwasgettingmyPh.D.insocialwork,somyentireacademiccareerwassurroundedbypeoplewhokindofbelievedinthelifesmessy,loveit.AndImmoreofthe,lifesmessy,cleanitup,organizeitandputitintoabentobox.

AndsotothinkthatIhadfoundmyway,tofoundacareerthattakesme--really,oneofthebigsayingsinsocialworkis,Leanintothediscomfortofthework.AndImlike,knockdiscomfortupsidetheheadandmoveitoverandgetallAs.Thatwasmymantra.SoIwasveryexcitedaboutthis.AndsoIthought,youknowwhat,thisisthecareerforme,becauseIaminterestedinsomemessytopics.ButIwanttobeabletomakethemnotmessy.Iwanttounderstandthem.IwanttohackintothesethingsthatIknowareimportantandlaythecodeoutforeveryonetosee.

SowhereIstartedwaswithconnection.Because,bythetimeyoureasocialworkerfor10years,whatyourealizeisthatconnectioniswhywerehere.Itswhatgivespurposeandmeaningtoourlives.Thisiswhatitsallabout.Itdoesntmatterwhetheryoutalktopeoplewhoworkinsocialjustice,mentalhealthandabuseandneglect,whatweknowisthatconnection,theabilitytofeelconnected,is--neurobiologicallythatshowwerewired--itswhywerehere.

SoIthought,youknowwhat,Imgoingtostartwithconnection.Well,youknowthatsituationwhereyougetanevaluationfromyourboss,andshetellsyou37thingsthatyoudoreallyawesome,andoneopportunityforgrowth?

Andallyoucanthinkaboutisthatopportunityforgrowth,right?Well,apparentlythisisthewaymyworkwentaswell,because,whenyouaskpeopleaboutlove,theytellyouaboutheartbreak.Whenyouaskpeopleaboutbelonging,theylltellyoutheirmostexcruciatingexperiencesofbeingexcluded.Andwhenyouaskpeopleaboutconnection,thestoriestheytoldmewereaboutdisconnection.

Soveryquickly--reallyaboutsixweeksintothisresearch--IranintothisunnamedthingthatabsolutelyunraveledconnectioninawaythatIdidntunderstandorhadneverseen.AndsoIpulledbackoutoftheresearchandthought,Ineedtofigureoutwhatthisis.Anditturnedouttobeshame.Andshameisreallyeasilyunderstoodasthefearofdisconnection:Istheresomethingaboutmethat,ifotherpeopleknowitorseeit,thatIwontbeworthyofconnection?

ThethingsIcantellyouaboutit:Itsuniversal;weallhaveit.Theonlypeoplewhodontexperienceshamehavenocapacityforhumanempathyorconnection.Noonewantstotalkaboutit,andthelessyoutalkaboutit,themoreyouhaveit.Whatunderpinnedthisshame,thisImnotgoodenough,--which,weallknowthatfeeling:Imnotblankenough.Imnotthinenough,richenough,beautifulenough,smartenough,promotedenough.Thethingthatunderpinnedthiswasexcruciatingvulnerability.Thisideaof,inorderforconnectiontohappen,wehavetoallowourselvestobeseen,reallyseen.

AndyouknowhowIfeelaboutvulnerability.Ihatevulnerability.AndsoIthought,thisismychancetobeatitbackwithmymeasuringstick.Imgoingin,Imgoingtofigurethisstuffout,Imgoingtospendayear,Imgoingtototallydeconstructshame,Imgoingtounderstandhowvulnerabilityworks,andImgoingtooutsmartit.SoIwasready,andIwasreallyexcited.Asyouknow,itsnotgoingtoturnoutwell.

Youknowthis.So,Icouldtellyoualotaboutshame,butIdhavetoborroweveryoneelsestime.ButhereswhatIcantellyouthatitboilsdownto--andthismaybeoneofthemostimportantthingsthatIveeverlearnedinthedecadeofdoingthisresearch.

Myoneyearturnedintosixyears:Thousandsofstories,hundredsoflonginterviews,focusgroups.Atonepoint,peopleweresendingmejournalpagesandsendingmetheirstories--thousandsofpiecesofdatainsixyears.AndIkindofgotahandleonit.Ikindofunderstood,thisiswhatshameis,thisishowitworks.Iwroteabook,Ipublishedatheory,butsomethingwasnotokay--andwhatitwasisthat,ifIroughlytookthepeopleIinterviewedanddividedthemintopeoplewhoreallyhaveasenseofworthiness--thatswhatthiscomesdownto,asenseofworthiness--theyhaveastrongsenseofloveandbelonging--andfolkswhostruggleforit,andfolkswhoarealwayswonderingiftheyregoodenough.

Therewasonlyonevariablethatseparatedthepeoplewhohaveastrongsenseofloveandbelongingandthepeoplewhoreallystruggleforit.Andthatwas,thepeoplewhohaveastrongsenseofloveandbelongingbelievetheyreworthyofloveandbelonging.Thatsit.Theybelievetheyreworthy.Andtome,thehardpartoftheonethingthatkeepsusoutofconnectionisourfearthatwerenotworthyofconnection,wassomethingthat,personallyandprofessionally,IfeltlikeIneededtounderstandbetter.SowhatIdidisItookalloftheinterviewswhereIsawworthiness,whereIsawpeoplelivingthatway,andjustlookedatthose.

Whatdothesepeoplehaveincommon?Ihaveaslightofficesupplyaddiction,butthatsanothertalk.SoIhadamanilafolder,andIhadaSharpie,andIwaslike,whatamIgoingtocallthisresearch?Andthefirstwordsthatcametomymindwerewhole-hearted.Thesearewhole-heartedpeople,livingfromthisdeepsenseofworthiness.SoIwroteatthetopofthemanilafolder,andIstartedlookingatthedata.Infact,Ididitfirstinafour-day,veryintensivedataanalysis,whereIwentback,pulledtheinterviews,thestories,pulledtheincidents.Whatsthetheme?Whatsthepattern?MyhusbandlefttownwiththekidsbecauseIalwaysgointothisJacksonPollockcrazything,whereImjustwritingandinmyresearchermode.

AndsohereswhatIfound.Whattheyhadincommonwasasenseofcourage.AndIwanttoseparatecourageandbraveryforyouforaminute.Courage,theoriginaldefinitionofcourage,whenitfirstcameintotheEnglishlanguage--itsfromtheLatinwordcor,meaningheart--andtheoriginaldefinitionwastotellthestoryofwhoyouarewithyourwholeheart.Andsothesefolkshad,verysimply,thecouragetobeimperfect.Theyhadthecompassiontobekindtothemselvesfirstandthentoothers,because,asitturnsout,wecantpracticecompassionwithotherpeopleifwecanttreatourselveskindly.Andthelastwastheyhadconnection,and--thiswasthehardpart--asaresultofauthenticity,theywerewillingtoletgoofwhotheythoughttheyshouldbeinordertobewhotheywere,whichyouhavetoabsolutelydothatforconnection.

Theotherthingthattheyhadincommonwasthis:Theyfullyembracedvulnerability.Theybelievedthatwhatmadethemvulnerablemadethembeautiful.Theydidnttalkaboutvulnerabilitybeingcomfortable,nordidtheyreallytalkaboutitbeingexcruciating--asIhadhearditearlierintheshameinterviewing.Theyjusttalkedaboutitbeingnecessary.Theytalkedaboutthewillingnesstosay,Iloveyoufirst...thewillingnesstodosomethingwheretherearenoguarantees...thewillingnesstobreathethroughwaitingforthedoctortocallafteryourmammogram.Theyrewillingtoinvestinarelationshipthatmayormaynotworkout.Theythoughtthiswasfundamental.

Ipersonallythoughtitwasbetrayal.IcouldnotbelieveIhadpledgedallegiancetoresearch,whereourjob--youknow,thedefinitionofresearchistocontrolandpredict,tostudyphenomenafortheexplicitreasontocontrolandpredict.Andnowmymissiontocontrolandpredicthadturneduptheanswerthatthewaytoliveiswithvulnerabilityandtostopcontrollingandpredicting.Thisledtoalittlebreakdown--

Anditdid.

Icallitabreakdown;mytherapistcallsitaspiritualawakening.

Aspiritualawakeningsoundsbetterthanbreakdown,butIassureyou,itwasabreakdown.AndIhadtoputmydataawayandgofindatherapist.Letmetellyousomething:youknowwhoyouarewhenyoucallyourfriendsandsay,IthinkIneedtoseesomebody.Doyouhaveanyrecommendations?Becauseaboutfiveofmyfriendswerelike,Wooo,Iwouldntwanttobeyourtherapist.

Iwaslike,Whatdoesthatmean?Andtheyrelike,Imjustsaying,youknow.Dontbringyourmeasuringstick.

Iwaslike,Okay.SoIfoundatherapist.Myfirstmeetingwithher,Diana--Ibroughtinmylistofthewaythewhole-heartedlive,andIsatdown.Andshesaid,Howareyou?AndIsaid,Imgreat.Imokay.Shesaid,Whatsgoingon?Andthisisatherapistwhoseestherapists,becausewehavetogotothose,becausetheirB.S.metersaregood.

AndsoIsaid,Heresthething,Imstruggling.Andshesaid,Whatsthestruggle?AndIsaid,Well,Ihaveavulnerabilityissue.AndIknowthatvulnerabilityisthecoreofshameandfearandourstruggleforworthiness,butitappearsthatitsalsothebirthplaceofjoy,ofcreativity,ofbelonging,oflove.AndIthinkIhaveaproblem,andIneedsomehelp.AndIsaid,Butheresthething:nofamilystuff,nochildhoodshit.

Ijustneedsomestrategies.

Thankyou.Soshegoeslikethis.

AndthenIsaid,Itsbad,right?Andshesaid,Itsneithergoodnorbad.

Itjustiswhatitis.AndIsaid,OhmyGod,thisisgoingtosuck.

Anditdid,anditdidnt.Andittookaboutayear.Andyouknowhowtherearepeoplethat,whentheyrealizethatvulnerabilityandtendernessareimportant,thattheysurrenderandwalkintoit.A:thatsnotme,andB:Idontevenhangoutwithpeoplelikethat.

Forme,itwasayearlongstreetfight.Itwasaslugfest.Vulnerabilitypushed,Ipushedback.Ilostthefight,butprobablywonmylifeback.

AndsothenIwentbackintotheresearchandspentthenextcoupleofyearsreallytryingtounderstandwhatthey,thewhole-hearted,whatchoicestheyweremaking,andwhatwearedoingwithvulnerability.Whydowestrugglewithitsomuch?AmIaloneinstrugglingwithvulnerability?No.

SothisiswhatIlearned.Wenumbvulnerability--whenwerewaitingforthecall.Itwasfunny,IsentsomethingoutonTwitterandonFacebookthatsays,Howwouldyoudefinevulnerability?Whatmakesyoufeelvulnerable?Andwithinanhourandahalf,Ihad150responses.BecauseIwantedtoknowwhatsoutthere.HavingtoaskmyhusbandforhelpbecauseImsick,andwerenewlymarried;initiatingsexwithmyhusband;initiatingsexwithmywife;beingturneddown;askingsomeoneout;waitingforthedoctortocallback;gettinglaidoff;layingoffpeople.Thisistheworldwelivein.Weliveinavulnerableworld.Andoneofthewayswedealwithitiswenumbvulnerability.

AndIthinktheresevidence--anditsnottheonlyreasonthisevidenceexists,butIthinkitsahugecause--Wearethemostin-debt...obese...addictedandmedicatedadultcohortinU.S.history.Theproblemis--andIlearnedthisfromtheresearch--thatyoucannotselectivelynumbemotion.Youcantsay,heresthebadstuff.Heresvulnerability,heresgrief,heresshame,heresfear,heresdisappointment.Idontwanttofeelthese.Imgoingtohaveacoupleofbeersandabanananutmuffin.

Idontwanttofeelthese.AndIknowthatsknowinglaughter.Ihackintoyourlivesforaliving.God.

Youcantnumbthosehardfeelingswithoutnumbingtheotheraffects,ouremotions.Youcannotselectivelynumb.Sowhenwenumbthose,wenumbjoy,wenumbgratitude,wenumbhappiness.Andthen,wearemiserable,andwearelookingforpurposeandmeaning,andthenwefeelvulnerable,sothenwehaveacoupleofbeersandabanananutmuffin.Anditbecomesthisdangerouscycle.

OneofthethingsthatIthinkweneedtothinkaboutiswhyandhowwenumb.Anditdoesntjusthavetobeaddiction.Theotherthingwedoiswemakeeverythingthatsuncertaincertain.Religionhasgonefromabeliefinfaithandmysterytocertainty.Imright,yourewrong.Shutup.Thatsit.Justcertain.Themoreafraidweare,themorevulnerableweare,themoreafraidweare.Thisiswhatpoliticslooksliketoday.Theresnodiscourseanymore.Theresnoconversation.Theresjustblame.Youknowhowblameisdescribedintheresearch?Awaytodischargepainanddiscomfort.Weperfect.Iftheresanyonewhowantstheirlifetolooklikethis,itwouldbeme,butitdoesntwork.Becausewhatwedoiswetakefatfromourbuttsandputitinourcheeks.

Whichjust,Ihopein100years,peoplewilllookbackandgo,Wow.

Andweperfect,mostdangerously,ourchildren.Letmetellyouwhatwethinkaboutchildren.Theyrehardwiredforstrugglewhentheygethere.Andwhenyouholdthoseperfectlittlebabiesinyourhand,ourjobisnottosay,Lookather,shesperfect.Myjobisjusttokeepherperfect--makesureshemakesthetennisteambyfifthgradeandYalebyseventh.Thatsnotourjob.Ourjobistolookandsay,Youknowwhat?Youreimperfect,andyourewiredforstruggle,butyouareworthyofloveandbelonging.Thatsourjob.Showmeagenerationofkidsraisedlikethat,andwellendtheproblems,Ithink,thatweseetoday.Wepretendthatwhatwedodoesnthaveaneffectonpeople.Wedothatinourpersonallives.Wedothatcorporate--whetheritsabailout,anoilspill...arecall.Wepretendlikewhatweredoingdoesnthaveahugeimpactonotherpeople.Iwouldsaytocompanies,thisisnotourfirstrodeo,people.Wejustneedyoutobeauthenticandrealandsay...Weresorry.Wellfixit.

Buttheresanotherway,andIllleaveyouwiththis.ThisiswhatIhavefound:Toletourselvesbeseen,deeplyseen,vulnerablyseen...tolovewithourwholehearts,eventhoughtheresnoguarantee--andthatsreallyhard,andIcantellyouasaparent,thatsexcruciatinglydifficult--topracticegratitudeandjoyinthosemomentsofterror,whenwerewondering,CanIloveyouthismuch?CanIbelieveinthisthispassionately?CanIbethisfierceaboutthis?justtobeabletostopand,insteadofcatastrophizingwhatmighthappen,tosay,Imjustsograteful,becausetofeelthisvulnerablemeansImalive.Andthelast,whichIthinkisprobablythemostimportant,istobelievethatwereenough.Becausewhenweworkfromaplace,Ibelieve,thatsays,Imenough...thenwestopscreamingandstartlistening,werekinderandgentlertothepeoplearoundus,andwerekinderandgentlertoourselves.

ThatsallIhave.Thankyou.

那我就這么開頭吧：幾年前，一個(gè)活動(dòng)策劃人打電話給我，由于我當(dāng)時(shí)要做一個(gè)演講。她在電話里說：“我真很苦惱該如何在宣揚(yáng)單上介紹你?！蔽倚南?，怎么會(huì)苦惱呢?她連續(xù)道：“你看，我聽過你的演講，我覺得我可以稱你為討論者，可我擔(dān)憂的是，假如我這么稱呼你，沒人會(huì)來聽，由于大家普遍認(rèn)為討論員很無趣而且脫離現(xiàn)實(shí)。”好。然后她說：“但是我喜愛你的演講，就跟講故事一樣很吸引人。

我想來想去，還是覺得稱你為講故事的人比較妥當(dāng)?！倍莻€(gè)做學(xué)術(shù)的，感到擔(dān)心的我脫口而出道：“你要叫我什么?”她說：“我要稱你為講故事的人。我心想：”為什么不干脆叫魔法小精靈?“我說：”讓我考慮一下?！拔以囍钠鹗繗?。我對(duì)自己說，我是一個(gè)講故事的人。

我是一個(gè)從事定性討論的科研人員。我收集故事;這就是我的工作。或許故事就是有靈魂的數(shù)據(jù)?；蛟S我就是一個(gè)講故事的人。于是我說：“聽著，要不你就稱我為做討論兼講故事的人?！彼f：“哈哈，沒這么個(gè)說法呀?！彼晕沂莻€(gè)做討論兼講故事的人，我今日想跟大家談?wù)摰?-我們要談?wù)摰脑掝}是關(guān)于拓展認(rèn)知--我想給你們講幾個(gè)故事是關(guān)于我的一份討論的，這份討論從本質(zhì)上拓寬了我個(gè)人的認(rèn)知，也確的確實(shí)轉(zhuǎn)變了我生活、愛、工作還有教育孩子的方式。

我的故事從這里開頭。當(dāng)我還是個(gè)年輕的博士討論生的時(shí)候，第一年，有位討論教授對(duì)我們說：”事實(shí)是這樣的，假如有一個(gè)東西你無法測(cè)量，那么它就不存在?！拔倚南胨皇窃诤搴逦覀冞@些小孩子吧。我說：“真的么?”他說：“當(dāng)然?！蹦愕弥牢矣幸粋€(gè)社會(huì)工作的學(xué)士文憑，一個(gè)社會(huì)工作的碩士文憑，我在讀的是一個(gè)社會(huì)工作的博士文憑，所以我整個(gè)學(xué)術(shù)生涯都被人所包圍，他們大抵信任生活是一團(tuán)亂麻，接受它。

而我的觀點(diǎn)則傾向于，生活是一團(tuán)亂麻，解開它，把它整理好，再歸類放入便當(dāng)盒里。(笑聲)我覺得我領(lǐng)悟到了關(guān)鍵，有力量去創(chuàng)一番事業(yè)，讓自己--真的，社會(huì)工作的一個(gè)重要理念是置身于工作的不適中。我就是要把這不適翻個(gè)底朝天每科都拿到A。這就是我當(dāng)時(shí)的信條。我當(dāng)時(shí)真的是躍躍欲試。我想這就是我要的職業(yè)生涯，由于我對(duì)亂成一團(tuán)，難以處理的課題感愛好。我想要把它們弄清晰。我想要理解它們。我想侵入那些我知道是重要的東西把它們摸透，然后用淺顯易懂的方式呈獻(xiàn)給每一個(gè)人。

所以我的起點(diǎn)是“關(guān)系”。由于當(dāng)你從事了20xx年的社會(huì)工作，你必定會(huì)發(fā)覺關(guān)系是我們活著的緣由。它給予了我們生命的意義。就是這么簡(jiǎn)潔。無論你跟誰溝通工作在社會(huì)執(zhí)法領(lǐng)域的也好，負(fù)責(zé)精神健康、虐待和疏于看管領(lǐng)域的也好我們所知道的是，關(guān)系是種感應(yīng)的力量--生物神經(jīng)上，我們是這么被設(shè)定的--這就是為什么我們?cè)谶@兒。所以我就從關(guān)系開頭。

下面這個(gè)場(chǎng)景我們?cè)偈熳R(shí)不過了，你的上司給你作工作評(píng)估，她告知了你37點(diǎn)你做得相當(dāng)棒的地方，還有一點(diǎn)--成長(zhǎng)的空間?(笑聲)然后你滿腦子都想著那一點(diǎn)成長(zhǎng)的空間，不是么。這也是我討論的一個(gè)方面，由于當(dāng)你跟人們談?wù)搻矍?，他們告知你的是一件讓他們心碎的事。?dāng)你跟人們談?wù)摎w屬感，他們告知你的是最讓他們痛心的被排斥的經(jīng)受。當(dāng)你跟人們談?wù)撽P(guān)系，他們跟我講的是如何被斷絕關(guān)系的故事。所以很快的--在大約開頭討論這個(gè)課題6周以后--我遇到了這個(gè)前所未聞的東西它揭示了關(guān)系以一種我不理解也從沒見過的方式。所以我暫停了原先的討論方案，對(duì)自己說，我得弄清晰這究竟是什么。它最終被鑒定為恥辱感。恥辱感很簡(jiǎn)單理解，即可怕被斷絕關(guān)系。

有沒有一些關(guān)于我的事假如別人知道了或看到了，會(huì)認(rèn)為我不值得交往。我要告知你們的是：這種現(xiàn)象很普遍;我們都會(huì)有(這種想法)。

沒有體驗(yàn)過恥辱的人不具有人類的憐憫或關(guān)系。沒人想談?wù)撟约旱聂苁拢阏務(wù)摰脑缴?，你越感到可恥。滋生恥辱感的是一種“我不夠好.的心態(tài)--我們都知道這是個(gè)什么味道：”我不夠什么。我不夠苗條，不夠有錢，不夠美麗，不夠聰慧，職位不夠高?！岸芜@種心態(tài)的是一種刻骨銘心的脆弱，關(guān)鍵在于要想產(chǎn)生關(guān)系，我們必需讓自己被觀察，真真實(shí)切地被觀察。

你知道我怎么看待脆弱。我恨它。所以我思索著，這次是輪到我用我的標(biāo)尺擊潰它的時(shí)候了。我要闖進(jìn)去，把它弄清晰，我要花一年的時(shí)間，徹底瓦解恥辱，我要搞清晰脆弱是怎么運(yùn)作的，然后我要智取賽過它。所以我預(yù)備好了，特別興奮。跟你估計(jì)的一樣，事與愿違。(笑聲)你知道這個(gè)(結(jié)果)。我能告知你關(guān)于恥辱的許多東西，但那樣我就得占用別人的時(shí)間了。但我在這兒可以告知你，歸根究竟--這或許是我學(xué)到的最重要的東西-在從事討論的數(shù)十年中。我估計(jì)的一年變成了六年，成千上萬的故事，成百上千個(gè)采訪，焦點(diǎn)集中。

有時(shí)人們發(fā)給我期刊報(bào)道，發(fā)給我他們的故事--不計(jì)其數(shù)的數(shù)據(jù)，就在這六年中。我也許把握了它。

我也許理解了這就是恥辱，這就是它的運(yùn)作方式。我寫了本書，我出版了一個(gè)理論，但總覺得哪里不對(duì)勁--它其實(shí)是，假如我粗略地把我采訪過的人分成具有自我價(jià)值感的人--說究竟就是自我價(jià)值感--他們勇于去愛并且擁有劇烈的歸屬感--另一部分則是為之苦苦掙扎的人，總是懷疑自己是否足夠好的人。

區(qū)分那些敢于去愛并擁有劇烈歸屬感的人和那些為之而苦苦掙扎的人的變量只有一個(gè)。那就是，那些敢于去愛并擁有劇烈歸屬感的人信任他們值得被愛，值得享有歸屬感。就這么簡(jiǎn)潔。他們信任自己的價(jià)值。而對(duì)于我，那個(gè)阻礙人與人之間關(guān)系的最困難的部分是我們對(duì)于自己不值得享有這種關(guān)系的恐驚，無論從個(gè)人，還是職業(yè)上我都覺得我有必要去更深化地了解它。所以接下來我找出全部的采訪記錄找出那些體現(xiàn)自我價(jià)值的，那些持有這種觀念的記錄，集中討論它們。

這群人有什么共同之處?我對(duì)辦公用品有點(diǎn)癡迷，但這是另一個(gè)話題了。我有一個(gè)牛皮紙文件夾，還有一個(gè)三福極好筆，我心想，我該怎么給這項(xiàng)討論命名呢?第一個(gè)蹦入我腦子的是全心全意這個(gè)詞。這是一群全心全意，靠著一種劇烈的自我價(jià)值感在生活的人們。所以我在牛皮紙夾的上端這樣寫道，而后我開頭查看數(shù)據(jù)。

事實(shí)上，我開頭是用四天時(shí)間集中分析數(shù)據(jù)，我從頭找出那些采訪，找出其中的故事和大事。主題是什么?有什么規(guī)律?我丈夫帶著孩子離開了小鎮(zhèn)，由于我老是陷入像杰克遜.波洛克(美國(guó)近代抽象派畫家)似的瘋狂狀態(tài)，我始終在寫，完全沉醉在討論的狀態(tài)中。下面是我的發(fā)覺。這些人的共同之處在于士氣。

我想在這里先花一分鐘跟大家區(qū)分一下士氣和膽識(shí)。士氣，最初的定義，當(dāng)它剛消失在英文里的時(shí)候--是從拉丁文cor，意為心，演化過來的--最初的定義是真心地?cái)⑹鲆粋€(gè)故事，告知大家你是誰的。所以這些人就具有士氣承認(rèn)自己不完善。他們具有憐憫心，先是對(duì)自己的，再是對(duì)他人的，由于，事實(shí)是，我們假如不能善待自己，我們也無法善待他人。最終一點(diǎn)，他們都能和他人建立關(guān)系，--這是很難做到的--前提是他們必需坦誠(chéng)，他們情愿放開自己設(shè)定的那個(gè)抱負(fù)的自我以換取真正的自我，這是贏得關(guān)系的必要條件。

他們還有另外一個(gè)共同之處那就是，他們?nèi)唤邮艽嗳?。他們信任讓他們變得脆弱的東西也讓他們變得漂亮。他們不認(rèn)為脆弱是尋求舒適，也不認(rèn)為脆弱是鉆心的痛苦--正如我之前在關(guān)于恥辱的采訪中聽到的。他們只是簡(jiǎn)潔地認(rèn)為脆弱是必需的。他們會(huì)談到情愿說出我愛你，情愿做些沒有的事情，情愿等待醫(yī)生的電話，在做完乳房X光檢查之后。他們情愿為情感投資，無論有沒有結(jié)果。他們覺得這些都是最根本的。

我當(dāng)時(shí)認(rèn)為那是背叛。我無法信任我盡然對(duì)科研宣誓效忠--討論的定義是掌握。然后猜測(cè)，去討論現(xiàn)象，為了一個(gè)明確的目標(biāo)，去掌握并猜測(cè)。而我現(xiàn)在的使命即掌握并猜測(cè)卻給出了這樣一個(gè)結(jié)果：要想與脆弱共存就得停止掌握，停止猜測(cè)于是我崩潰了--其實(shí)更像是這樣。它的確是。我稱它為崩潰，我的心理醫(yī)生稱它為靈魂的覺醒。

靈魂的覺醒當(dāng)然比精神崩潰要好聽許多，但我跟你說那的確是精神崩潰。然后我不得不暫且把數(shù)據(jù)放一邊，去求助心理醫(yī)生。讓我告知你：你知道你是誰當(dāng)你打電話跟你伴侶說：“我覺得我需要跟人談?wù)劇Ｄ阌惺裁春玫慕ㄗh嗎?“由于我大約有五個(gè)伴侶這么回答：”喔。我可不想當(dāng)你的心理醫(yī)生?！蔽艺f：“這是什么意思?“他們說：”我只是想說，別帶上你的標(biāo)尺來見我?！拔艺f：”行。“

就這樣我找到了一個(gè)心理醫(yī)生。我跟她，戴安娜，的第一次見面--我?guī)チ艘环荼韱紊厦娑际悄切┤硇耐度肷畹娜说纳罘绞?，然后我坐下了。她說：”你好嗎?“我說：”我很好。還不賴。“她說：”發(fā)生了什么事?“這是一個(gè)治療心理醫(yī)生的心理醫(yī)生，我們不得不去看這些心理醫(yī)生，由于他們的廢話測(cè)量?jī)x很準(zhǔn)(知道你什么時(shí)候在說真心話)。所以我說：“事情是這樣的。我很糾結(jié)?！彼f：“你糾結(jié)什么?”我說：”嗯，我跟脆弱過不去。

而且我知道脆弱是恥辱和恐驚的根源是我們?yōu)樽晕覂r(jià)值而掙扎的根源，但它同時(shí)又是歡快，制造性，歸屬感，愛的源泉。所以我覺得我有問題，我需要關(guān)心。“我補(bǔ)充道：”但是，這跟家庭無關(guān)，跟童年無關(guān)?！啊拔抑恍枰恍┎呗??！备兄x。戴安娜的反應(yīng)是這樣的。我接著說：“這很糟糕，對(duì)么?”她說：“這不算好，也不算壞?！薄八?/p>