《老爸老媽羅曼史》第一季(共26頁)

1、精選優(yōu)質(zhì)文檔-傾情為你奉上 1.01First scene of the series, in 2030Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?Future Ted: No.Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-fi

2、ve years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other lifeTed just saw RobinFuture Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday.": Hey Barney, see t

3、hat girl?: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'. 1.02Lily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like. my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's ri

4、ght, I'm not wearing any.Marshall: stops working and looks at Lily No underwear?Lily: Not even slightly.Ted: Guys. camera pans to reveal he is in the room with them BOUNDARIES!Robin discovers why Ted threw three straight parties in as many nightsTed: Robin, look I didnt invit

5、e you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. Robin smiles I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.Robin: Well, here I am.Ted: Theres something here, look, unless Im crazy.Robin: Youre not crazy. II dont know, Ted, I mean we barely

6、 know each other and youre looking at me with that look and its likeTed: Like what?Robin: Likelets fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.Ted: Im not gonna force sports on them unless theyre interested.Robin: laughs Its a great look. But youre looking

7、 at the wrong girl.Ted: No, Im not.Robin: Yes, you are. I dont wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together Id feel like Id either have to marry you or break your heart andI just couldnt do either of those things. Just like you cant turn off the way you feel.Ted: reaches in ja

8、cket Click. Off. Lets make out.Robin: laughs What?Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, buton the other hand - you, me, the roof.Robin: Theres no off switch.Ted: There is an off switch and its off.R

9、obin: smiling no, its not.Ted: silence yes, it is. draws closer to TedRobin: No itsnot.Ted: Yesit is long kiss with Robin No its not. Youre right, theres no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch! 1.03: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where

10、 he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.Ted: Yes, he's that lame. to Barney Tell him you're that lame.: .we are international businessmen!

11、Barney: at a party Do you ever go behind the rope and touch ?Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?Employee: Yeah.Barney: Have you ever licked it?Employee: Nope.I have never licked it.Barney: I bet nobody in history has ev

12、er licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word?Ted: I'm leaving.Barney: Legendary! 1.04: Booger.: Yes, hello Barney.: Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.Barney: Not some stupid word. Boog

13、er.Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to. the City Hall

14、 beat.: City Hall! Miss Thang!Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. motions with finger Step into my web.Ted just told Natalie that h

15、e wants to break up with her.againNatalie: after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?Ted: I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I.Natalie: It's my birthday!Ted: Yes, I know it's just.Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're

16、 telling me I'm not the one for you?Ted: It's no big deal. It's not like you lost the lottery-Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? Ted stammers So what's the problem?Ted: I can't explain.Natalie: Try!Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.Natalie: Oh,

17、so I'm not 'F-able'?Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.Natalie: So I'm stupid?Ted: What's going on?Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, beg

18、ged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three years later, again on my birthday!Ted: No no, it's not like that.it's just.it's just-Natalie: WHAT!?Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said.Natalie: in flashback, at the bar&#

19、160;I got a  class in about half an hour.Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the .Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted 1.05: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.: What happened to that, uh, cutlet y

20、ou were grinding with?Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!Ted: What!? begins to laughBarney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like "Remember that time when you w

21、ere grinding with-" NO. And do you know why? Because, italics, Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle this night did not happen.: Hey.: Hey.Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.Robin: Actually I can't

22、even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm . I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day. 1.06: N

23、obody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a .Lily: As parrot Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!Marshall: Again?Marshall follows Lily to the bathroomTed: Where are you going?Marshal

24、l: It's. an elaborate costume.: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in

25、 a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait. 1.07: Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.: Did you just use my name as a verb?: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Te

26、d-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"Ted: Okay. I get it!: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?Lily: It was a cockamouse!Robin: What?Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as i

27、f a cockroach and a mouse, you know.Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha? 1.08Flashback: So when Lily and I get married. who's gonna get the apartment?: Wow. that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?Marshall: Who?Ted: Future Ted

28、 & Future Marshall.Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.Present DayTed: Dammit, Past Ted!Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fight: On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran m

29、e through with a freakin' broadsword!Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me? 1.09: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.: Oh right I forgot

30、. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.Ted: beat .your cops are called 'mounties

31、'.Ted: Barney.: Yeah, what's up?Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.Barney: Yeah, so? Ted steals paper Hey! That's my private personal business!Ted: "Court Mandated Community Service"?Robin: Oh my God, you're on probation? What did you do?Barney: That'

32、;s my private personal business!flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!Ted: You peed on a church?Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!Ted

33、: You are evil!Robin: All is right with the world again. 1.10: You okay?: Sure. Why?Marshall: Ah. I don't know. Girl of your dreams. dating a billionaire.Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it

34、 would not be smart if we got together. I.I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a. Barney starts snoring: Wha.? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob.&

35、#160;whispers to Ted Let's go.Ted: Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?Barney: It was, uh. 'Daddy's home.'Ted: Daddy's home?Barney: Yeah!Ted: Okay, you. you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think

36、about that, Barney.Barney: Hmm. yeah, I think it's pretty solid.Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about. 1.11: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs. It's like we're the president

37、.: You're not. Moby, are you?Not Moby/Erik: Who?: The recording artist, Moby.Not Moby/Erik: Oh, no.Barney: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?Not Moby/Erick: Oh, I thought you said Tony.Ted: So your name's Tony?Not Moby/Erick: No. 1.12Marshall and Lily a

38、rgue about their plans for an ideal wedding: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.: But I'm the bride. So, I win.Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.Lily

39、takes Barney aside at MacLaren's after she sees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with StuartLily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass

40、off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?Lily: thinks about it One of each! 1.13: to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom Hey, where the hell did you disappear to las

41、t night?: I had the most. amazing night ever.: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Al

42、ley."Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake."Victoria: Why don't we just. dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.Ted: Unless-Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbe

43、rs, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment. and it'll be perfect.Ted: Wow. Okay I'm in.Victoria: enthusiastically Okay!Ted: I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake

44、 names?Victoria: Um. you can call me Buttercup. Ted and "Buttercup" shake handsTed: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm. . Victoria laughs Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-: with bridesmaid on his arm Hey Ted, Ted, Ted,

45、look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.Ted: to Victoria So I'm Ted.Victoria: Victoria. 1.14: Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is seventeen years, eleven months old.Barney: in the laser tag

46、arena Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!: See you on the other side.Both: Charging Yaahhhhh!Both got shotBarney: Damn! .You wanna get a soft pretzel?Robin: Yeah. 1.15Victoria: I've only had two boyfriends before Ted.: Prude alert!Victoria: Well, two serious ones. Ive dated oth

47、ers in between.Robin: Slut alert!Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.Victoria: OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community.Future

48、Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.Marshall: staring goggle-eyed at Victoria That. is the greatest story. ever!Lily: Oh my God! 1.16: Trying on wedding dresse

49、s Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college. 1.17Bilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!Blauman: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!Marshall looks for a stain on his tie: Marshall, sidebar. Your t

50、ie is steak sauce. ? Get it? Try to keep up.Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. Its 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello,  in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.: I dont have a back

51、door.Bilson: Oh my gosh, , what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!Marshall: Right, well, Im engaged.Blauman: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!Marshall: Were still engaged.Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!Marshall: I want

52、 to give you the package.: The package? Youve already given me the package. Youve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Er

53、iksen, but youve got a huge package!Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishly 1.18Little girl: Do you have a fiancé?: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancé.: Oh no, I dont have a fiancé.Little girl: Then who do you l

54、ive with?Robin: Well, actually, Ive got five dogs.Little girl: Dont you get lonely?Robin: No, Ive got five dogs.Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.Robin: Well, yeah, thats cats, Im not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat l

55、ady does anybody else have questions?Little boy: Are you a lesbian?Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. mumbles Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.Sandy Rivers: to Robin We should have sex.Robin: What?Rivers: Why not? Were both available, were both attractive, were both good at i

56、t. At least Im good at it, and even if youre not, dont worry. Ill have a good time either way.Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I dont get involved with people I work with.Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying

57、 we should have sex. Having sex is fun! he gives her his card and their news show starts Phone number, call me anytime. reads teleprompter A lot of teams in action tonight. 1.19: To Ted Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, its the worlds olde

58、st profession.: Do you really think thats true?Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! Youve been lawyered!Mary: You know that scene in  when they lower the helmet

59、onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's how Sandy gets his hair on in the morning? 1.20Lily is freaking out because a New Jersey high school that has The 88 for a prom band wouldn't let them in. She thinks Barney's ideas of sneaking in may the only way to see the band.: You

60、're getting on board with Barney's idea. Man, you really have snapped!: It's nine weeks 'til the wedding. I'd say "yes" to just about anything.: saunters to Lily Well.Lily: No, Barney.: She and Lily come out in fancy dresses All right, what do you th

61、ink?Barney: Looks up Horrible.Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.Barney: You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the  and the  and the ? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." 1.21Wendy the Waitress: Be careful, the plate is very hot!: Oh go on, touch it.: touches the plate Ahh! Sweet damn, thats a hot plate!Lily admits to Ted about the arts program and how it could derail her and Marshal