HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER 老爸老媽浪漫史 第1季第7集 劇本

HOWIMETYOURMOTHER

1X07-MATCHMAKER

ORIGINALAIRDATE(CBS):07-NOV-2005

WRITTENBYCHRISMARCIL&SAMJOHNSON

DIRECTEDBYPAMELAFRYMAN

YEAR2030

INT.LIVINGROOM

(DaughterandSonsittingoncouch)

FutureTed:Kids,beforeImetyourmother,whenIwasstillouttheresearching,Ilearnedsomethingvaluable,thatloveisnotascience.

Daughter:Wow,thatwasagreatstory,Dad.

Son:We'regonnagowatchTV.

(DaughterandSongetupandleave)

FutureTed:Yousee,sometimesinlife,youjusthavetoacceptthatcertainthingscan'tbeexplained.Andthat'skindascary.

(DaughterandSonreturntositoncouch)

INT.BAR

(year2005;Ted,BarneyandRobinsittingaroundtable;LilyandMarshallrunin)

Marshall:OhmyGod.

Lily:Iknow,I'mstillshaking.

(LilygrabsBarney'sdrinkanddrinksfromit)

Barney:Whatthe?Haha,joke'sonyou,Ihaveacold.

Robin:AreyouguysOK?Marshall(yellingovertobartender):AnotherroundandbackitupformeandLily.

Ted:Whathappened?

Marshall:Wesawsomething,upintheapartment.

Lily:Somethingbad.

(flashbacktoLilyandMarshallenteringapartmentwhilekissing)

Marshall:Idon'tknowwhatitis,butmargaritasmakemesexy.

Lily:Oh,muchosexy.YouquieroMarshall.

(MarshallandLilyhugandkiss,Lilylooksoverandseessomethingandlooksscared)

Lily:OhmyGod.

(LilyandMarshallscreamandrunoutoftheapartment)

(cutbacktopresentsceneinbar)

Ted:Whatwasit?

Marshall:Onlythecraziest,meanestlookingmouseyou'veeverseen.

Lily:Mouse?Sweetie,thatwasn'tamouse.Thatwasahugecockroach.

Marshall:Baby,itwasamouse.Ithadawhiskers.

Lily:Butthosethingscomingoutofhishead,thosewereantennae

Barney:Marshallranawayfromacockroach.

Marshall:It,itwasamouse.

Barney:Oh,yeah,sorry,mybad.You'reaman.

Robin:Ooh,mystory'son.Ted,payattention.Carl,turnitup.

(newscastonTV)

Robin:I'mherewithEllenPierce,NewYork'spremierematchmaker.Ellen,yourcompany,LoveSolutionsboastsa100%successrate.What'syoursecret?

Ellen:Science.Everythinginlifecanbebrokendowntoonesandzeros,evenlove.

AllIhavetodoisinputthevariables,runthealgorithm,andprestomanifesto,youhaveasoulmate,anditworks.Justaskallofmyhappycouples.Andthesearejusttheattractiveones,Ihavemorephotosinthebathroom.

Robin:LoveSolution'sEllenPierce,abeaconofhopeforNewYorkcity'slovelorn.RobinScherbatsky...

INT.BAR

Barney:Wasthatchickattheendreallyaclient?

Robin:Yes.

Barney:We'resigningup.

Ted:What?

Barney:Ted,thesechicksaredesperateandhot.That'saperfectcocktail.Shakewell,thensleepwith.

Ted:I'mnotgoingtoamatchmaker.That'slikegivingup.It'sthemanversionofgettingacat.

Marshall:No,itwasn'tacockroach.Ithadfurandonlymammalshavefur.

Lily:Itwasacockroach.

Marshall:Comeon,Lily,theonlywaythatthatwasacockroachwasifitwaswearingtheskinofamouseitjustkilled.

Lily:OhmyGod.

(LilygrabsBarney'sdrinkashe'sabouttotakeadrinkfromitanddrinksitherself)

Barney:Comeon.

INT.APARTMENT

(Tedsittingoncouchreadingmagazine,Tedhearssqueakingandtinyfootstepnoises,Barneybargesintotheapartment_

Barney:Ted,hurry,yougottahelpme.Myboatissinking.

Ted:What?

Barney:Myboatissinking.

Ted:Youhaveaboat?

Yes,Iboughtaboatlastyearatapoliceauction.Ijustgotacallfromaguydownatthemarinathatit'sleaningstarboardata45degreeangle.IfIdon'tgetthererightnow,it'sgonnacapsize.Now,comeon!

(TedandBarneyrunoutoftheapartment)

INT.OFFICE

(TedandBarneyarefillingoutapplicationsforLoveSolutions)

Ted:Yourboatissinking.Thatwasgood.

Barney:Comeon,Ted,thisisanincredibleopportunity.We'llmeetoursoulmates,nail'emandnevercallthemagain.(chuckles)

(Ellenenterstheoffice)

Ellen:Allfinished,gentlemen?Congratulations,youhavejusttakenyourveryfirststep.

Barney:Gosh,thanks,Ellen.Isurehopethisworks.I'msodonewiththesinglelife,allthegames,themeaninglesssex.

Ellen:Youdeservemore.

Barney:Thatissotrue,Ellen.IreallythinkI'mreadytostopbeingameandstartbeingawe.

Hey,isthereanywayIcanletitbeknownthatIlovecuddling?

(Ellen,TedandBarneysitarounddesk)

Ellen:Oh,ofcourseyoucan.Thatisso...

Barney:It'skindahardtotalkaboutwithTedhere,butIjustwantsomeonewho'snotafraidtoholdmeatnightwhenthetearscome.Ellen,canyouhelpmefindher?

Ellen:Getout.

Barney:What?

Ellen:Iget15guyslikeyoueveryweek.Jerkswhojustwanttomeetvulnerablewomen,nail'emandnevercallthemagain.

Barney:OhmyGod,peopledothat.

Ellen:Youwannadothistheeasywayorthehardway?

Barney:What'sthehardway?Securityroughsmeupandtossesmeout?

Ellen:That'stheeasyway.ThehardwayisthatIstompthecrapoutofyoumyself.

(Barneylookslikehedoesn'tbelieveher,Ellenstandsupquickly,Barneystandsuptorunaway)

Barney:OK,Ted,let'sgo.

(Tedgetsuptoleave)

Ellen:Notyou,youstay.

(TedandEllensitbackdown)

Ellen:You'recute.You'reanarchitect.Goodcareerandyoudidn'tuseanobviousaliasonyourapplicationlikeyourfriend,JackPackage.

Barney(throughofficedoor):It'spronounced'Pa-kojj.'

Ellen:Getouttahere!

(Barneyrunsaway)

Ellen:YouIcanworkwith.YougivemethreedaysandIwillfindthewomanyouwillmarry.

Ted:Ah,nothanks.Idon'tneedanalgorithmtomeetwomen.It'sNewYorkCity.Youknow,plentyoffishinthesea.

Ellen:Plentyoffishinthesea.Yes,there's9millionpeopleinNewYork,4.5millionwomen.Ofcourseyouwannameetsomeoneroughlyyourownage,let'ssay,plusminus5years.Soifwetakeintoaccountthemostrecentcensusdata,thatleavesuswith482,000.But,uh,wait

48%ofthosearealreadyinrelationshipsandthenyouhavetoeliminatehalfforintelligence,senseofhumorandcompatibilityandthenyouhavetotakeouttheex-girlfriendsandtherelativesandoh,wecan'tforgetthoselesbiansandthenthatleavesuswith8women.

Ted:Thatcan'tberight.Eight?Really,eight?

Ellen:Thereare8fishinthatbig,blueocean,Ted.Andifyoufeelconfidentthatyoucanreeloneintoyourboatwithoutme,there'sthedoor.

Ted:Doyoutakecreditcards?

INT.BAR

(BarneyandRobinsittingatbooth;MarshallandLilywalkin)

Lily:OK,it'sbackandthistimewegotagoodlook.

(LilysitsbyBarneyandtakeshisdrinkawayfromhimanddrinksit)

Barney:Hey,seriously,youhavetostopdoingthat.

Marshall:It'sbiggernow.It'sbeenfeeding.

Lily:WewerejustupstairswatchingTV.

(flashbacktoLilyandMarshallsittinginapartmentoncouchinfrontofTV)

Marshall:Ahgosh.

(MarshallandLilyseesomethingonground)

Lily:OK,let'sdothis.

(Lilygrabsaerosolspraycan,Marshallgrabslargephonebook,LilyspraysandMarshallthrowsphonebookonit,LilyscreamsandMarshallholdsher)

Marshall:Shh,shh,it'sOK,it'sover.

(phonebookstartsmovingtowardskitchen,MarshallandLilyrunoutofapartment)

(backtosceneatbar)

Barney:Sodidyougetagoodlookatit?

Lily:Yeah.Ithassixlegs,ahardexoskeletonlikearoach...

Marshall:Butithasmouse-likecharacteristics.Grey-browntuftsoffur,atail.

Robin:Sowhichisit,acockroachoramouse?

Lily:It'sacockamouse.

Robin:What?

Lily:It'ssomesortofmutantcombinationofthetwo.It'sasifacockroachandamouse...youknow...

Barney:Hitthehorizontalten-leggedinterspeciescha-cha?

Robin:That'simpossible.Thatsimplycan'thappen.

Lily:Oh,butitcan.

Marshall:Andithas

Lily:Andit'spissed.

(LilyandMarshalldownshots)

(Tedwalksintothebar)

Ted:Dude,iseverythingOK?Youleftthefrontdooropen.

Marshall:Therewasnotime.

Robin:SoLoveSolutions,didyoumeettheloveofyourlife?

Ted:Shesaidit'dtakethreedays.It'sbeenfivedays.ShouldIbeworried?

Lily:Oh,justplayitcool.Don'tTedoutaboutit.

Ted:Didyoujustusemynameasaverb?

Barney:Oh,yeah,wedothatbehindyourback.Ted-out:tooverthink.AlsoseeTed-up.Ted-up:tooverthinksomethingwithdisastrousresults.Samplesentence:BillyTeddedupwhen

Ted:OK,Igetit.Don'tworry,I'mnotgonnatedanythinguporout.I'lljustgiveitafewmoredays.

INT.LOVESOLUTIONSOFFICE

(subtitled'20minuteslater,'TedentersEllen'soffice)

Ted:Hi,Ellen.Rememberme?I'mTed.

Ellen:Ted,hi.Imeanttocallyou.Thecomputerisstillcrunchingthenumbers.Busyasabee,thatlittlecomputer.

Ted:Yousaiditwasgonnabethreedays.

Ellen:DidI?

Ted:Hm.

Ellen:Threedays?Really?

Ted:Yeah.Whensomeonesaysyou'regonnameettheperfectwomaninthreedays,yougottaputthatinyourdatebook,so...

Ellen:HowdoIsaythis?Thisisgonnabereallyhard.Ted,thereareabsolutelynowomenoutthereforyou.Phew,actuallyIgotthroughthatOK.

(returnfromcommercialbreak)

Ted:Therearenowomenformeoutthere?Ithoughtyousaidtherewere8.

Ellen:Iknow.Therearesupposedtobe.Idon'tknowwheretheyare.

Ted:But,I'manarchitect.AndyousaidI'mcute.I'macutearchitect.

Ellen:HowdoyouthinkIfeel?Ihavea100%successrate.It'smyhook.Icouldprobablyfindsomebodyforyouifyouweregay.

Ted:Well,I'mnot.

Ellen:Alittlebimaybe?

Ted:No.You'remessingwithme,right?

Ellen:Comeseeforyourself.

(EllenbringsTedovertohercomputer)

Ellen:Icannotsetyouupunlessyouhaveacompatibilityratingof7.0orhigher,andlook,5.4,4.8,5.6...

Ted:There'sa9.6rightthere.

(Tedpointstosomethingoncomputermonitor)

Ellen:Don'ttouchthecomputer.Yes,SarahO'Brien.Ifixedherupsixmonthsago.Shewouldhavebeenabsolutelyperfectforyou.

Ted:Whatabouttheguyyousetherupwith?Ishea9.6compatibilityrating?

Ellen:8.5.

Ted:Sohesucks.

Ellen:No,8.5isanextremelygoodmatch-upquotient.

Ted:Oh,sure,it'sgood.It'ssolid.Buta9.6?

Ellen:Yes,9.6isoffthecharts,butSarahismatchedup.Ted,look,Ihavealunch.Please.Ipromisewewillfindyousomebody.Don'tlosehope.Therearenewwomenturning18everyday.

(TedandEllenleaveoffice,Tedsneaksbackintoofficeandgoestocomputerandtakesprintouts,hidestheminhisjacketandrunsbackoutofoffice)

INT.BAR

(LilyandMarshallgivingpresentationatbar,Marshallisdrawingsomethingonalittlechalkboard)

Lily:He'sawholenewspecies.Thecockamouse.

Marshall:Andit'sthesizeofapotato.

(Marshallshowseveryonehisdrawingofthecockamous)

Robin:So,what,nowit'sacockapotatomouse?

Marshall:Don'tmakeitsoundridiculous.It'sacockamouse.

(BarneyandTedaresittingatboothwithTedlookingatprintoutshetookfromLoveSolutions)

Ted:MyGod,thisisincredible.We'relikethesameperson.SarahO'Brienlovesbrunch.

Shewantstohavetwochildren.HerguiltypleasuresongisSummerBreezebySealsandCroft.

Barney:Wow,Ted,soundslikeyou'reherperfectwoman.

Marshall:Andlikethemajesticseahorseit'shermaphroditic.

Lily:Obviouslythewholethingisshroudedinmystery.

Marshall:Forasmuchasweknowaboutthecockamousse,therearestillsomuchwedon'tknow.

Robin:Well,weknowthatthere'snosuchthingasacockamouse.Whatwedon'tknowiswhatyouguyshavebeensmoking.

Marshall:Soyoureallydon'tbelieveinthecockamouse?

Robin:Well,Ibelievethatyousawsomethingperfectlynormalbutyou'veexaggerateditinyourmind,youknow,um,liketheLochNessMonster.

Marshall:Ifby'liketheLochNessMonster,'youmean,totallyexistsandisawesome,thenyeah,it'sliketheLochNessmonster.

(RobinwalksovertoTedandBarney)

Marshall:It'sdietisnotunlikeourown,grains,cerealsandit'sawfullyfondofcheese...

Ted:OK,thisisgettingweird,thesimilaritiesgoonandon.Shehatesphonies.Itotallyhatephoniestoo.She'sadermatologist.Ihaveskin.

Barney:Youwannabeherboyfriend.Shealreadyhasaboyfriend.It'suncanny.

Ted:Allright,butitwouldn'thurttocheckherout,right?Seewhatmy9.6lookslikeinperson,as,youknow,aframeofreference.Andifshethinksshecando11.45%better,whoamItodenyherthat?

FutureTedVO:That'sright,Ididthemath.

INT.DOCTOR'SOFFICE

(Tedwaitinginexaminationroom,doctorwalksin)

Ted:Hi.

Sarah:Hi,I'mDr.O'Brien.

Ted:I'mArchitectMosby.SorryIjustwantedtosaymyjobtoo.

(Sarahlaughs)

Ted:Hi,I'mTed.

Sarah:So,whatarewedoingtoday?

Ted:Ihaveakindofmoleonmyback.It'sprobablynothingbutI'macautiousguy.

Sarah:I'mexactlythesame.

Ted(singing):Summerbreezemakesmefeelfine,blowingthroughthejasmineinmymind.

Sarah(joininginsinging):Blowingthroughthejasmineinmymind.

Ted:Sorryaboutthat,SummerBreezeismyguiltypleasuresong.

Ted:Oh,it'sbeenstuckinmyheadeversinceIhearditthisweekendatbrunch.

Sarah:Ilovebrunch.

Ted:It'sthebest,aslongasIdon'thavetospenditwithabunchofphonies.

Sarah:Ilikethewayyouthink,ArchitectMosby.

Ted:Hey,thismaysoundweirdbutit'lldefinitelysoundmoreweirdoncemyshirt'soffsoI'mgonnaaskyounow.DoyouwannahavedinnerwithmeSaturdaynight?

Sarah:Oh,that'sverysweet,butI'mactuallygettingmarriedonSaturday.

Ted:Fridaynight?

(returnfromcommercialbreak)

Ted:Wow,you'regettingmarried.Congratulations.

Sarah:Thankyou.

Ted:I'mreallysorryIaskedyouout.Ifjustfeltliketheremightbethisweirdconnectionbetweenus.HowcrazyamIcomingoffhere?

Sarah:Onlyalittle.

Ted:Well,bysomemilliontooneshot,andI'mnotrootingforthis,youwindupnotgettingmarriedthisweekend,givemeacall.

Sarah:OK,butit'snotlikely.Ilookdamngoodinmydress.

Ted:I'msureyoudo.

INT.APARTMENT

(LilyandMarshallworkingoncontraptioninlivingroomarea,Robinwalksinfromkitchen)

Robin:Wow,that'saprettysophisticatedtrap.Youthinktheroadrunner'sgonnafallforit?

Lily:OK,wegetit.You'reskeptical.ButMarshallandI,we'rebelievers.Webelieve.

Marshall:Yeah,lookaround.Theuniverseismysteriousandawesome.YougottheBermudatriangle,ghosts,BigFoot.

Robin:Badmaps.Creakyhouses.Hillbillyinagorillasuit.

Marshall:Aliens.

(Robinshakesherhead)

Marshall:Oh,comeone,yougottagivemealiens.Stonehenge.Area51.There'saliencrapallovertheplace.

Robin:Youcan'tbeserious.

Marshall:Myfriend,youjustpokedthebear.

(Marshallwalkstowardhisbedroom,TedandBarneywalkinthroughfrontdoor)

Ted:So,my9.6,beautiful,charming,intelligent,engaged.

Robin:Oh.

Lily:Oh,Ted,I'msosorry.

Ted:Yeah,itwasalongshot.Itoldhertocallmeanywayifshechangeshermine,butIdon'tknow...

Lily:Whoawhoawhoa,let'snotskipoverthis.Raiseyourhandifearliertodayyouhitonanengagedwoman.

(TedandBarneybothraisetheirhands)

Barney:Comeon,Lily,don'thatetheplayer,hatethegame.

(Marshallwalksinfromhisbedroomreadingfromabook)

Marshall:OnthenightofJuly2nd,1947,conditionswereclearoverRoswell,NewMexico.

Robin:Ohgeez.

Marshall:Oh,hey,Ted,there'samessageonthemachineforyou.Dr.O'Brien.

Ted:What?

Marshall:Whensuddenly,anarrayof

(TedjumpsovertomachineandshushesMarshalltolistentomessage)

Sarah(onansweringmachine):Ted,hi,thisisDr.O'Brien.Abouttoday,listen,Ireallyneedtotalktoyou.Callme,I'llbeattheofficeallday.

Barney:Thedoctorwillseeyounow.

(returnfromcommercialbreak)

Ted:WhatshouldIdo?Ishouldtotallygodownthere,right?

Lily:Don'tinterfere.SomeguyisexpectingtomarrythiswomanonSaturday.

Ted:Yeah,an8.5guy.Look,ifIwasmarryingthewrongpersonandtherightpersonwasoutthereandknewit,I'dwantthatpersontocomedowntomydermatologyofficeandtellmeso.

Inthatscenario,I'mnotinterfering,I'mahappyending.

Barney:(chuckles)Happyending.

Ted:Look,Ihavetogodownthere.Idon'tknowwhat'sgonnahappenwhenIgettherebutIhavetogiveitashot.

(Tedleavesapartment)

Barney:Allright,seeyoulater.Happyhunting.

(BarneyandRobingetuptoleave)

Lily:Wait,whereareyouguysgoing?Don'tyouwanttostayandseethecockamouse.

Barney:Yeah,we'regonnamakesomecropcircles.

(potfallsdownfromcontraption)

Marshall:OhmyGod!

Lily:Holycrap.Wegotit!Whatdowedowithit?

Marshall:Calmdown,Ihaveaplan.Itoldmyfriend,Sudeep,aboutit.HewantstoshowittotheColumbiabiologydepartment.Butithastobealive.

Lily:Wait,nono.They'lldolabexperimentsonit.That'ssomean.Shouldn'twejustbeatittodeathwithabat?

INT.DOCTOR'SOFFICE

(TedentersDr.O'Brien'soffice)

Ted:Helloagain.

Sarah:I'mgladyoucamedown.Iwouldprefertosaythistoyouinperson.

Ted:Goahead,Sarah,youcantellmeanything.

Sarah:Youhaveabasalcellcarcinoma.

Ted:Anythingelse?

Sarah:Yourmole.Thebiopsycameback.It'snotlife-threatening,butweshouldexcisetherestofit.

Ted:Wait,thenyou'restillgettingmarried.

Sarah:OfcourseI'mstillgettingmarried.

Ted:Butwe'rea9.6.

Sarah:Excuseme.

Ted:OK,I,IwenttoLoveSolutionsandIsawonEllenPierce'scomputerthatyouandIarea9.6.Yourfiance'sonlyan8.5.

Sarah:Youlookedatmyfile.

Ted:Ihadto.You'remyonlymatch.Aren'tyouevenalittlecurious?Thewomanwhosetyouupwithyourfianc¨|thinkswe'reabettermatch.

Sarah:IamgettingmarriedonSaturday.

Ted(singing):Summerbreeze...

Sarah:Ted.

Ted:Look,don'tyouthinkyou'rebeingalittleimpulsivemarryingaguyyoujustmetafewmonthsago?

Sarah:Don'tyouthinkit'salittleimpulsiveforyoutopropositionanengagedwomanyoudon'tevenknow?

Ted:See,we'rebothimpulsive.We'reperfectforeachother.

Sarah:Ted,justcalmdown.

Ted:Calmdown!You'remyonlymatch!Therewasacomputerandtherewere8fishintheseafulloflesbians.

Sarah:Ted,Ted,doyouhonestlybelievedeepdownthatthereisnooneelseoutthereforyoujustbecausesomecomputersaysso.

Ted:Didn'tusedto.Therewasmath,Igotconfused.

Sarah:Loveisn'tascience.Youcan'tcalculateafeeling.Whenyoufallinlovewithsomeone,8.5equalsaperfect10.

Ted:You'reright.

INT.LAB

(MarshallbringSudeepcockamouseinpot)

Sudeep:Ifthisthingiswhatyousayitis,itcouldbehugeformycareer.

Marshall:Braceyourself,dude.Thisisgonnablowyourmindhold.

(Sudeepmovescovertopeekintopot)

Sudeep:Youbastard,Iactuallygotexcitedaboutthis.

Marshall:What?

Sudeep:It'sempty.

(SudeepremovescoverofpotcompletelyandMarshalllooksin)

Marshall:Wait,butifit'snothere,thatmeans...Lily.

INT.APARTMENT

(Robinsitsoncouch,Lilywalksintolivingroomareabutbacksawayandhides)

Lily:Robin.

Robin:What?

(RobinwalksovertoLilyandseeswhatshesees)

Robin:OhmyGod.It'sreal.

Lily:Oh,isit?Dosomething.

(Robinthrowsdrinkatit)

Lily:What