奧布萊恩演講

1、PAGE 美國著名脫口秀主持人柯南奧布萊恩為2011年達(dá)特茅斯學(xué)院做了畢業(yè)致辭。前半部分有很多搞笑串場，后半部分柯南跟大家分享了自己的經(jīng)歷和人生經(jīng)驗(yàn)：正是那些既定想法的失敗，才使我們成為獨(dú)一無二的人！以下是演講全文：Ive been living in Los Angeles for two years, and Ive never been this cold in my life. I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves. Anybody. Im serious. I have the cash.Before I begin, I m

2、ust point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.Graduuatees, faccult

3、ty, parrentts, rellatiivess, uundeergrraduuatees, andd olld ppeopple thaat jjustt coome to theese thiingss: GGoodd moorniing andd coongrratuulattionns tto tthe Darrtmoouthh Cllasss off 20011. Toodayy, yyou havve aachiieveed ssomeethiing speeciaal, sommethhingg onnly 92 perrcennt oof AAmerricaans you

4、ur aage willl eeverr knnow: a colllegge ddipllomaa. TThatts rigght, wiith youur ccolllegee diiplooma youu noow hhavee a cruushiing advvanttagee ovver 8 pperccentt off thhe wworkkforrce. Im ttalkkingg abboutt drropoout losserss liike Billl GGatees, Steeve Jobbs, andd Maark Zucckerrberrg. Inccideentaa

5、llyy, sspeaakinng oof MMr. Zucckerrberrg, onlly aat HHarvvardd woouldd soomeoone havve tto iinveent a mmasssivee soociaal nnetwworkk juust to tallk wwithh soomeoone in thee neext rooom.My fiirstt joob aas yyourr coommeenceemennt sspeaakerr iss too illlusstraate thaat llifee iss noot ffairr. FFor exa

6、amplle, youu haave worrkedd tiirellesssly forr foour yeaars to earrn tthe dipplomma yyoull be recceivvingg thhis weeekennd.That wass grreatt.And DDarttmouuth is givvingg mee thhe ssamee deegreee ffor inttervviewwingg thhe ffourrth leaad iin TTwillighht. Deaal wwithh itt. AAnottherr exxampple thaat l

7、lifee iss noot ffairr: iif iit ddoess raain, thhe ppoweerfuul rrichh peeoplle oon sstagge gget thee teent. Deeal witth iit.I wouuld likke tto tthannk PPressideent Kimm foor iinviitinng mme hheree toodayy. AAfteer mmy pphonne ccalll wiith Preesiddentt Kiim, I ddeciidedd too fiind outt a litttlee biit

8、 aabouut tthe mann. HHe ggoess byy Prresiidennt KKim andd Drr. KKim. Too hiis ffrieendss, hhess Jiim KKim, J to thee K, Sppeciial K, JK Rowwlinng, thee Juust Kidddinng KKimssterr, aand mosst ppuzzzlinng, Sttinkky PPetee. He serrvedd ass thhe cchaiir oof tthe Depparttmennt oof GGlobbal Heaalthh annd

9、SSociial Meddiciine at Harrvarrd Meddicaal Schhooll, sspeaarheeadeed aa taask forrce forr thhe WWorlld HHeallth Orgganiizattionn onn Gllobaal HHeallth Iniitiaativves, woon aa MaacArrthuur GGeniius Graant, annd wwas onee off TIIME Maggaziines 1100 Mosst IInflluenntiaal PPeopple in 20006. Goood GGod,

10、maan, whaat tthe helll aare youu coompeensaatinng ffor? Seerioouslly. We gett itt. YYoure smaart. Byy thhe wway Dr. Kiim, youu weere brooughht tto DDarttmouuth to leaad, andd ass a worrld-claass antthroopollogiist, yoou wweree allso hirred to figguree ouut wwhy eacch oof tthesse ggradduattingg sttud

11、eentss raan aarouund a bbonffiree 1111 ttimees.But II thhankk yoou ffor invvitiing me herre, Stiinkyy Peete, annd iit iis aan hhonoor. Thooughh soome of youu maay ssee me as a cceleebriity, yoou sshouuld knoow tthatt I oncce ssat wheere youu siit. Litteraallyy. LLatee laast nigght I ssnucck oout her

12、re aand satt inn evveryy seeat. I didd itt too prrovee a poiint: I am nott brrighht aand I hhavee a lott off frree timme.But tthiss iss a wonnderrfull occcassionn annd iit iis ggreaat tto bbe hheree inn Neew HHamppshiire, whheree I am getttinng aan hhonoorarry ddegrree andd alll tthe leggal firrewoo

13、rkss I cann fiit iin tthe truunk of my carr.You kknoww, NNew Hammpshhiree iss suuch a sspecciall pllacee. WWhenn I arrriveed II toook a ddeepp brreatth oof tthiss crrispp Neew EEngllandd aiir aand thooughht, Woow, Imm inn thhe sstatte tthatts nexxt tto tthe staate wheere Benn annd JJerrryss icce ccr

14、eaam iis mmadee.But ddont gget me wroong, I takke mmy ttaskk toodayy veery serriouuslyy. WWhenn I gott thhe ccalll twwo mmontths agoo too bee yoour speeakeer, I ddeciidedd too prrepaare witth tthe samme iinteensiity manny oof yyou havve ddevootedd too ann immporrtannt ttermm paaperr. SSo llatee laas

15、t nigght, I beggan. I draank twoo caans of Redd Buull, snnortted somme AAddeeralll, plaayedd a feww hoourss off Caall of Dutty, andd thhen opeenedd myy brrowsser. I thiink Wikkipeediaa puut iit bbestt whhen theey ssaidd DDarttmouuth Colllegge iis aa prrivaate Ivyy Leaaguee Uniiverrsitty iin HHanoove

16、rr, Neew HHamppshiire, Unniteed SStattes. TThannk yyou andd goood lucck.To coommuuniccatee wiith youu sttudeentss toodayy, II haave gonne tto ggreaat llenggthss too beecomme wwelll-veerseed iin yyourr unniquue llingguissticc paatteernss. IIn ffactt, jjustt thhis morrninng II leeft Bakker Berrry witt

17、h mmy ttrippee Barrry to eatt a Billly Bobb att thhe BBemaa whhen my fliitz to Fraanceescaa waas BBlittz jjackked by somme dd-baag oon hhis FSPP.Yes, Ivve ddonee myy reeseaarchh. TThiss coolleege wass naamedd affterr thhe SSecoond Earrl oof DDarttmouuth, a goood ffrieend of thee Thhirdd Eaarl of UC

18、Sannta Cruuz aand thee Duuke of thee Baarbiizonn Scchoool oof BBeauuty. Yoour schhooll moottoo iss VVox claamanntiss inn deeserrto, wwhicch mmeanns Voiice cryyingg ouut iin tthe willderrnesss. Thhis is eassilyy thhe mmostt paatheeticc scchoool mmottto II haave eveer hhearrd. Apppareentlly, it narrro

19、wwly beaat oout Siilenntlyy Weeepiing in Thiick Shrrub annd Whiimpeerinng iin MMoisst LLeavves witthouut PPantts. Yoour schhooll coolorr iss grreenn, aand thiis ccoloor wwas choosenn byy Frredeericck MMathher in 18667 bbecaausee, aand thiis iis ttrueeI loookedd itt uppiit wwas thee onnly collor thaa

20、t hhad nott beeen takken alrreaddy. I cannnott reememmberr heeariing anyythiing so sadd. DDarttmouuth, yoou hhavee ann innferriorrityy coompllex, annd yyou shoouldd noot. Youu haave graaduaatedd moore greeat ficctittiouus AAmerricaans thaan aany othher colllegge. Merrediith Greey oof GGreyys Anaatom

21、my. Pette CCamppbelll ffromm Maad MMen. Miichaael Corrleoone froom TThe Goddfattherr. IIn ffactt, II loook forrwarrd tto nnextt yeearss VValeedicctorry AAddrresss byy yoour estteemmed claassmmatee, CCounnt CChocculaa. OOf ccourrse, yoour greeateest ficctittiouus ggradduatte iis TTreaasurry SSecrreta

22、ary Timmothhy GGeitthneer. Mann, ccan youu immagiine if a rreall Trreassuryy Seecreetarry mmadee thhosee kiindss off deecissionns? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Noow II knnow whaat yyoure goiing to sayy, DDarttmouuth, yoourre ggoinng tto ssay, weell Weevee goot DDr. Seuuss. WWelll guuesss whhat,

23、 weeree alll ttireed oof hhearringg abboutt Drr. SSeusss. Facce iit: Thee maan rrhymmed fafflooozlee wiith sazznooozlee. IIn tthe litteraary commmunnityy, tthatts callledd chheattingg.Your inssecuuritty iis sso ggreaat, Darrtmoouthh, tthatt yoou ddont eevenn thhinkk yoou ddeseervee a reaal ppodiium.

24、 Im ssorrry. Whaat tthe helll iis tthiss thhingg? IIt llookks llikee yoou sstolle iit ffromm thhe sset of Surrvivvor: Noova Scootiaa. SSeriioussly, itt loookss liike sommethhingg a beaar wwoulld uuse at an AA meeetinng.No, DDarttmouuth, yoou mmustt sttandd taall. Raaisee yoour heaads higgh aand feee

25、l pprouud.Becauuse if Harrvarrd, Yalle, andd Prrinccetoon aare youur sselff-innvollvedd, vvainn, nnamee-drropppingg ollderr brrothherss, yyou aree thhe ccooll, ssexuuallly cconffideent, laacroossee pllayiing youungeer ssibllingg whho kknowws hhow to thrrow a ppartty aand loooks goood iin aa doown ve

26、sst. Broown, off cooursse, is youur llesbbiann siisteer wwho nevver leaavess heer rroomm. AAnd Pennn, Collumbbia, annd CCornnelllweell, frrankkly, whho ggivees aa shhit.Yes, Ivve aalwaays hadd a speeciaal bbondd wiith thiis sschoool. Inn faact, thhis is my seccondd tiime commingg heere. Whhen I wwas

27、 17 yeaars oldd annd ttourringg coolleegess, wway bacck iin tthe falll oof 119800, II caame to Darrtmoouthh. Daartmmoutth wwas a vveryy diiffeerennt pplacce bbackk thhen. I madde tthe triip uup ffromm Boostoon oon aa muule andd, aafteer aaskiing thee bllackksmiith in Wesst LLeb forr diirecctioons, I

28、 camme tto tthiss beeauttifuul ccamppus. Noo doormiitorriess haad bbeenn buuiltt yeet, so I sstayyed witth aa faamilly oof ffur traaderrs iin WWhitte RRiveer JJuncctioon. It snoowedd heeaviily durringg myy viisitt annd II waas ttrapppedd heere forr foour monnthss. II waas fforcced to eatt thhe mmule

29、e, wwho a wweekk eaarliier hadd beeen forrcedd too eaat tthe furr trradeers. Sttilll, II loovedd Daartmmoutth aand I vvoweed tto rretuurn.But ffatee deealtt a heaavy bloow. Witth nno mmoneey, I wwas forrcedd too ennrolll iin aa smmalll, llocaal ccommmuteer sschoool, a pullsattingg soore on a mmudddy

30、 eelboow oof tthe Chaarlees RRiveer. I wwas a mmiseerabble wreetchh, aand to thiis dday I ccannnot hellp bbut wonnderr: WWhatt iff I hadd goone to Darrtmoouthh?If I hadd goone to Darrtmoouthh, II miightt haave speent at leaast somme oof mmy ccolllegee yeearss ouutsiide andd toodayy I migght nott bee

31、 alllerrgicc too alll pplannt llifee, aas wwelll ass moost typpes of rocck.If I hadd goone to Darrtmoouthh, rrighht nnow Idd bee weeariing a ffleeece thoong inssteaad oof aa laace thoong.If I hadd goone to Darrtmoouthh, II sttilll wooulddntt knnow thee seeconnd vversse tto Deaar OOld Darrtmoouthh. F

32、acce iit, nonne oof yyou do. Yoou aall mummblee thhat parrt.If I hadd goone to Darrtmoouthh, IId havve aa liiverr thhe ssizee annd cconssisttenccy oof aa beean bagg chhairr.Finallly, iff I hadd goone to Darrtmoouthh, ttodaay IId be getttinng aan hhonoorarry ddegrree at Harrvarrd. Imaaginne hhow awee

33、somme tthatt woouldd bee.You aare a ggreaat sschoool, annd yyou desservve aa hiistooricc coommeenceemennt aaddrresss. TThatts rigght, I wannt mmy mmesssagee toodayy too bee foorevver remmembbereed bbecaausee itt chhangged thee woorldd. TTo ddo tthiss, II muust sugggesst ggrouundbbreaakinng ppoliicy.

34、 Wiinstton Chuurchhilll gaave hiss faamouus Iroon CCurttainn sspeeech at Wesstmiinstter Colllegge iin 119466. JJFK outtlinned hiss nuucleear dissarmmameent pollicyy att Ammeriicann Uniiverrsitty iin 119633. TTodaay, I wwoulld llikee too seet ffortth mmy oown pollicyy heere at Darrtmoouthh: II caall

35、it Thhe CConaan DDocttrinne. Unnderr TThe Connan Docctriine:- Alll baacheelorr deegreees willl bbe uupgrradeed tto mmastters ddegrreess. AAll massterrs deggreees wwilll bee uppgraadedd too PhhDs. Annd aall MBAA sttudeentss wiill be immmediiateely traansfferrred to a wwhitte ccolllar priisonn.- Undde

36、r Thhe CConaan DDocttrinne, Wiinteer CCarnnivaal wwilll beecomme WWintter Carrnivvalee annd bbe mmoveed tto RRio. Cllothhingg wiill be opttionnal, alll eexpeensees ppaidd byy thhe AAlummni Asssociiatiion.- Youur nnickknamme, thee Biig GGreeen, willl bbe cchanngedd too soometthinng mmoree kiick-asss

37、liike Thhe JJadee Blladee, thee SSeaffoamm Avvengger, oor ssimpply Liime-Zillla.- Thee D-Plaan aand quuartter sysstemm wwilll fiinallly be upddateed tto thee onne ssixtty-ffourrth sysstemm. Semmestterss wiill lasst tthreee ddayss. SStuddentts wwilll bee enncouuragged to takke 448 ssemeesteers offf.

38、TTheyy muust, hoowevver, bee onn caampuus dduriing theeir Sopphommoree 4tth oof JJulyy.- Undder Thhe CConaan DDocttrinne, I willl rre-iinsttatee Tuubesstocck. Andd I willl ppuniish thoose whoo trriedd too reeplaace it witth FFielldsttockk. RRafttingg annd bbeerr arre aa muuch bettterr coombiinattion

39、n thhan a ffielld aand a bbeerr. II haappeen tto kknoww thhat in twoo yeearss, ttheyy weere goiing to dowwngrradee Fiielddstoock to Dessksttockk, sseveen hhourrs oof ffun sitttinng qquieetlyy att yoour dessk. Donnt lett thhosee baastaardss doo itt.And ffinaallyy, uundeer Thee Coonann Dooctrrinee, al

40、ll coommeenceemennt sspeaakerrs wwho shaamellesssly pannderr wiith cheeap, innsidde rrefeerenncess deesiggnedd too geet cchilldissh aappllausse, willl bbe fforcced to apoologgizeetoo thhe ggreaatesst ggradduattingg cllasss inn thhe hhisttoryy off thhe wworlld. Darrtmoouthh cllasss off 20011 rulles!B

41、esiddes pollicyy, aanottherr haallmmarkk off grreatt coommeenceemennt sspeeechees iis ddeepp, pproffounnd aadviice likke reaach forr thhe sstarrs. Weell todday, I am nott gooingg too waastee yoour timme wwithh emmptyy cllichhs. Innsteead, I am goiing to givve yyou reaal, praactiicall addvicce tthatt

42、 yoou wwilll neeed to knoow iif yyou aree gooingg too suurviive thee neext feww yeearss.- Firrst, addultt accne lassts lonngerr thhan youu thhinkk. II allmosst ccanccellled twoo daays agoo beecauuse I hhad a zzit on my eyee.- Guyys, thiis iis iimpoortaant: Yoou ccannnot iroon aa shhirtt whhilee weea

43、riing it.- Herress annothher onee. IIf yyou livve oon RRameen NNooddless foor ttoo lonng, youu loose alll feeeliingss inn yoour hannds andd yoour stoool beccomees aa whhitee geel.- Andd fiinallly, weeariing collorfful Connverrse higgh-ttopss beeneaath youur ggradduattionn roobe is a ggreaat wway to

44、telll yyourr cllasssmattes thaat tthiss iss juust thee fiirstt off maany horrribble deccisiionss yoou pplann too maake witth tthe resst oof yyourr liife.Of cooursse ttherre aare manny ppareentss heere andd I havve rreall addvicce ffor theem aas wwelll. PPareentss, yyou shoouldd wrritee thhis dowwn:-

45、 Manny oof yyourr chhilddrenn yoou hhaveentt seeen theem iin ffourr yeearss. WWelll, nnow youu arre aabouut tto ssee theem eeverry dday wheen ttheyy coome outt off thhe bbaseemennt tto ttelll yoou tthe wi-fi isnnt worrkinng.- If youur cchilld mmajooredd inn fiine artts oor pphillosoophyy, yyou havve

46、 ggoodd reeasoon tto bbe wworrriedd. TThe onlly pplacce wwherre ttheyy arre nnow reaallyy quualiifieed tto gget a jjob is ancciennt GGreeece. Goood lucck wwithh thhat deggreee.- Thee trrafffic todday on Easst WWheeelocck iis ggoinng tto bbe mmurdder, soo onnce theey sstarrt hhanddingg ouut ddiplloma

47、as, youu shhoulld sslipp ouut iin tthe midddlee off thhe KKs.And, I hhavee too teell youu thhis:- Youu wiill speend morre mmoneey fframmingg yoour chiilds ddipllomaa thhan theey wwilll eaarn in thee neext sixx moonthhs. Its ttouggh oout theere, soo bee paatieent. Thhe oonlyy peeoplle hhiriing rigght

48、 noww arre PPaneera Breead andd Meexiccan druug ccarttelss.Yes, youu paarennts musst bbe ppatiientt beecauuse it is inddeedd a griim jjob marrkett ouut ttherre. Andd onne oof tthe reaasonns iitss soo tooughh fiindiing worrk iis tthatt aggingg baaby booomerrs rrefuuse to leaave theeir jobbs. Truust m

49、e on thiis. Eveen wwhenn thhey proomisse yyou forr fiive yeaars thaat ttheyy arre ggoinng tto lleavveaand sayy itt onn teelevvisiionI mmeann yoou ccan go on YouuTubbe rrighht nnow andd waatchh thhe gguy do it, thheree iss noo guuaraanteee ttheyy woontt coome bacck. Of couursee Im sspeaakinng ggeneer

50、allly.But eenouugh. Thhis is nott a timme ffor griim pproggnossticcatiionss orr neegattiviity. Noo, II caame herre ttodaay bbecaausee, bbeliievee itt orr noot, I aactuuallly ddo hhavee soometthinng rreall too teell youu.Eleveen yyearrs aago I ggavee ann adddreess to a ggradduattingg cllasss att Haar

51、vaard. I havve nnot spookenn att a graaduaatioon ssincce bbecaausee I thooughht II haad nnothhingg leeft to sayy. BBut theen 220100 caame. Annd nnow Imm heere, thhreee thhoussandd miiless frrom my homme, beccausse II leearnned a hhardd buut pproffounnd llessson lasst yyearr annd IId likke tto ssharr

52、e iit wwithh yoou. In 20000, I ttoldd grraduuatees Donnt be afrraidd too faail. WWelll noow IIm herre tto ttelll yoou tthatt, tthouugh youu shhoulld nnot feaar ffailluree, yyou shoouldd doo yoour verry bbestt too avvoidd itt. NNiettzscche fammoussly saiid Whaatevver doeesnt kkilll yoou mmakees yyou

53、strrongger. BBut whaat hhe ffailled to strresss iss thhat it almmostt kiillss yoou. Dissapppoinntmeent stiingss annd, forr drriveen, succcesssfuul ppeopple likke yyourrsellvess itt iss diisorrienntinng. Whaat NNiettzscche shoouldd haave saiid iis Whaatevver doeesnt kkilll yoou, makkes youu waatchh a

54、 lott off Caartooon Nettworrk aand driink midd-prricee Chharddonnnay at 11 in thee moorniing.Now, by deffiniitioon, Commmenncemmentt sppeakkerss att ann Ivvy LLeaggue colllegge aare connsiddereed ssucccesssfull. BBut a llitttle oveer aa yeear agoo, II exxperrienncedd a proofouund andd veery pubblicc

55、 diisapppoiintmmentt. II diid nnot gett whhat I wwantted, annd II leeft a ssysttem thaat hhad nurrturred andd heelpeed ddefiine me forr thhe bbettter parrt oof 117 yyearrs. I wwentt frrom beiing in thee ceenteer oof tthe griid tto nnot onlly ooff thee grrid, buut uundeerneeathh thhe ccofffee tabble

56、thaat tthe griid ssitss onn, llostt inn thhe sshagg caarpeetinng tthatt iss unnderrneaath thee cooffeee ttablle ssuppporttingg thhe ggridd. IIt wwas thee maakinng oof aa caareeer ddisaasteer, andd a terrribble anaaloggy.But tthenn soometthinng sspecctacculaar hhapppeneed. Foggbouund, wiith no commpa

57、sss, andd addrifft, I sstarrtedd trryinng tthinngs. I greew aa sttrannge, ciinnaamonn beeardd. II doove intto tthe worrld of socciall meediaa. II sttartted tweeetiing my commedyy. II thhreww toogettherr a nattionnal touur. I pplayyed thee guuitaar. I ddid staand-up, woore a sskinn-tiightt bllue leaa

58、theer ssuitt, rrecoordeed aan aalbuum, madde aa doocummenttaryy, aand friightteneed mmy ffrieendss annd ffamiily. Ulltimmateely, I abaandoonedd alll pprecconcceivved perrcepptioons of my carreerr paath andd sttatuure andd toook a jjob on bassic cabble witth aa neetwoork mosst ffamoous forr shhowiing

59、 rerrunss, aalonng wwithh siitcooms creeateed bby aa taall, bllackk maan wwho dreessees llikee ann olld, blaack womman. I didd a lott off siillyy, uuncoonveentiionaal, spoontaaneoous andd seeemiinglly iirraatioonall thhinggs aand gueess whaat: witth tthe exccepttionn off thhe bbluee leeathher suiit,

60、 it wass thhe mmostt saatissfyiing andd faasciinattingg yeear of my proofesssioonall liife. Too thhis dayy I stiill donnt unddersstannd eexacctlyy whhat happpenned, buut II haave nevver hadd moore funn, bbeenn moore chaalleengeedaand thiis iis iimpoortaanthadd moore connvicctioon aabouut wwhatt I wa